You All Are Busy Burning a Turkey But I Wanna Talk :)

Okay.

So I have decided to talk, here, about what God was whispering for me to do.

(Like any of you thought I might actually keep my mouth shut?! right.)

So, as I mentioned a few posts ago, God had been whispering something to me, giving me strong feelings toward an action I needed to take but one that I did not want to take.

I knew it was God speaking to me...

(just hang with me here if you are reading this and are automatically rolling your eyes when someone said "God Spoke To Me" ... I get that .... but just keep reading) 

....because He was prompting my inner-Andrea to do something "Inner" AND "Outer" Andrea never thought she would do again.

It is this:  

I had a strong feeling/desire/need to have our Pastor pray for me and "anoint me with oil" in regards to my anxiety issues and to pray over our family for us "to be open to whatever the next season of life is for us " because we sure as heck can't see what's coming down the pipe.

Hello?! 

Um? What?  Really?  Surely not...

Surely God didn't want me to do 'that'?!!!  (shiver)

That is way out of my spiritual comfort zone to have a meeting with a Pastor and to do such a thing....even though I have my own personal prayer life... I am a "private" praying person, a "private" girl when it comes to most things spiritual - except with my kids then I am an open book.

Not that I 'hide' my Christianity, but I do not feel the need to "out-Christian" other Christians...kwim?

But.  Sheesh.

"Anoint With Oil."

IMMEDIATELY that phrase brings negative connotations to me...

Women swooning at an altar after the Pastor puts a dab of oil on their forehead, Pastors proclaiming it was 'necessary' to be 'anointed with oil' to be healed/to be a good Christian/ to be submissive.

There was also an event in my life where I was kinda 'forced' into being "anointed with oil" all the while surrounded by pastors praying loudly for me and I was fiercely uncomfortable though no one seemed to give a fig about that.  

All those memories being stated...I know being "anointed"  (aka: touched) with oil (aka: olive oil, vegetable oil, Canola oil, Peanut Oil) IS biblical.

The oil is a symbol of the Holy Spirit's presence and the person being "anointed" is demonstrating a need for guidance, help, counsel, healing by going through the process of being prayed for and anointed.

Is being "anointed" a 'required' Christian 'thing'...Nope.  Not at all.

However....THAT is what God had layed upon my heart that I needed to do.

The ONE MAJOR thing that I'd kinda drawn a line in the sand over in regards to my spirituality...

God took that one "NO WAY DUDE" area and pressed it upon me so fiercely that I, truly, had no choice but to obey.

So.  Today.  We did this.

Jim, myself, and our four boys (Aven is in a very "loud two year old" stage right now and this would not have been a good environment for her...) were, it felt like to me, 'suddenly' sitting in front of our Pastor.

(I had arranged the meeting of course but it seemed to come quick!)

Now, for the record, our "Pastor" is also our close friend.  He stood up with Jim at our wedding. We have a very long history with him and I inherently trust and admire the guy, so I knew he would understand all my feelings about "not wanting to do this but knowing I had to kinda of stuff".

(I also knew he'd grin and smile at me about this because he knows me well and would see the humor in this a bit...I, the control freak, having to let go of more 'control'....)

We, the three adults, talked for a bit.

Talking about where the Bible discusses "peace", "comfort", and "good thoughts".  We told him of our slight frustration of not knowing what our family's next "big" step should be, or are we doing all that He wants us to be doing now and we just can't see that, etc.

The boys all listened intently.  They had been told why we were there and were very reverent and respectful during the conversation.

Finally, Pastor grabs a little plastic bottle of some type of "oil" from his desk drawer.

(Nervous!)

I look at my four boys and explain to them, again, that God has given me the feeling that I need to be prayed over and anointed with oil by Pastor Wayne for my anxiety issues. That I wanted to be obedient to God even though it was something I don't usually do.

Jim and I then told the boys, "If any of you want to be anointed with oil to, that is fine, but there is no pressure for you to do this.  It is a personal decision."

Our wonderful Chase (even if the kid does have 'anomia' - refer to yesterday's post :) immediately said, "I want to be.  I have problems with my words."

((Mom heart seizing....))

Then our, typically, kinda shy Trey says, "I will too.  I need help controlling my anger sometimes."

((Mom heart folding into itself))

Our sweet Zane just whispered that he wanted Pastor to pray for "Mamaw Lowe"  (my paternal grandmother who is having severe back pain).

((Mom heart smiling))

Of course, then we all looked at Tye....I knew he did not fully grasp what was occurring but he did understand we were about to pray.

So Jim and I made the executive decision to have him anointed to in regards to his speech and auditory delays.

((Mom heart full....:))

I did NOT expect my boys to chime in like this.  I was SO happy and relieved that they had now been introduced to this biblical practice without any fire and brimstone, without any pushing or prodding, but simply by information and desire.

We all stood up ....  got into a circle .... and then our Pastor prayed for our family as a unit while we were all holding onto one another...Chase's hand was rubbing my shoulder, Tye was holding tight to my right hand, Jim had his arms around my shoulders, Trey was standing close to Zane and Zane was being touched by his Daddy....

After a prayer for our family as a whole, Pastor proceeded to anoint those of us who chose too with oil and prayed a specific prayer for each of us.

It was a family moment Jim and I will never forget.

Were there tears?  Yes, a few from Jim and I.

Was there uncontrolled emotion that pre-empted the biblical mandate of oil anointing?  No.

It was a peaceful, serene, spiritual, and precious time of obedience and peace for our family.

We left shortly thereafter feeling a deep peace...not that I was "instantly healed" or that Chase now talks "perfectly" ....  none of that occurred...

But what DID occur was that I was obedient to a request that brought up hurt from a bottled up spot of my heart that I'd not allowed myself to unclog until now.  

Being obedient felt almost as good as having no more anxiety would feel I think!

So....

On the drive home, I was mentally telling God, "Okay Man..I did it.  Now what do I get?"  hehe  

I know it doesn't "work" that way but I do know that I've shown God my heart...that I want it to be His and if that means doing something that is out of my comfort zone simply to show obedience, I am willing.

I will forever be grateful that, today, my boys were introduced to a new type of "power" from God ... and that they were not cajoled or pressured....but educated and in charge of their decisions ....

And I will forever remember our little family huddled in our Pastor's office seeking God's plan for us as a unit....Not as Jim, or Andrea, or Chase, Trey, or Zane, or Tye, or Aven .... but as "The Cockrums". 

God put us all together for a purpose ....  and for that I am oh so THANKFUL.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends....

Andrea....

Today, November 26th, if "our Story's" 3rd birthday.  

"My precious Story, we still hold you in our hearts.  We always will.  We did not get to be your earthly parents but we are honored to even have been introduced to you for the time we were .... 

Please be happy today Angel....I am praying that your Mommy is making you your favorite Guatemalan dessert and that you are busting up a huge pinata at a glorious Guatemalan birthday party today ....  Please, somehow, know we love you.... "

My Brain Is Full. My Heart Is Sad. My Fingers Are Angry. Watch Out.

Oh...Why have I had a love/hate relationship with this blog today?  


Is it because the last thing I want to do is get on here and complain? Yes.



There are people in the world...heck...in my city....heck in my neighborhood.....heck on my street that have WAY worse problems. WAY worse.


So I didn't want to come here and say what I am really feeling because in the whole entire scope of the universe this is NOTHING.


BUT.


It is EVERYTHING to us.


Yes, this is about Chase and Tye's audiology assessment. Yes.  

We have new "labels" now. Sorta.  Kinda.  Only the "Cockrum Way" of doing the label thing.


Sigh.


We are climbing a new, surprise mountain as of today.


And it doesn't involve Tye.  Nope.


Chase.


I would have SWORN and BET and SCREAMED that Chase had audiology problems...


But.


He doesn't.  Nope. Not at ALL.


Nope, instead he has something I've NEVER heard of.


"Anomia".


Which is the inability to recall words, grab the right word for his thoughts,  use logic in his speech, etc.


It hit Jim as sorta "good news".  Like finally a "NAME" for why Chase talks like he does.  Why Chase struggles to recall a story.  Struggles to use verbal logic.


I, on the otherhand, felt like the more the audiologist talked the deeper I was sinking into an invisible sink hole that was under my chair.  Didn't anyone see me sinking?  


The Audiologist was giving helpful advice, good ideas, telling us where to go for MORE therapy, different teaching methods, etc.


But I couldn't hear her.  I was sinking.  Selfishly sinking.


I had a plan people and this was NOT it.


NOT a NEW label for a kid that really doesn't need a LABEL.


This isn't even the kiddo tht we were 'really' here for.  I mean I knew Chase might have a SLIGHT auditory delay.  SLIGHT.  Not a full on language disorder. SCREAM.



As the audiologist was speaking, and I was tuning her out, I was recalling the MILLIONS of time Chase has struggled to put a complete thought together.  


We ALWAYS discounted it to his touch of Fetal Alcohol Affect.  


Nope.


We were all wrong.


I was even wrong about the audiology part.  Nope. He's GREAT there.


Wherehe  is NOT GREAT is in an area I have never even HEARD of.


Which means....Which means.....Which means.... Ugh I don't even wanna say it cuz it is SO selfish.


Which means SO MUCH MORE WORK ON MY PART.  


There I said it.


Hello World, I do NOT have the energy or stamina to figure out another speech delay/disorder whatever you wanna call it.



I KNOW I "signed up for this when I adopted an institutionalized child".  I get it.  I see the eye rolls.  I feel the eye rolls when I complain.  Duh Andrea.....didn't you read the small print on that adoption application.


THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN.


I mean...forget the adoption heritage, forget the lack of nutrition he experienced until age 14 mos, forget the Fetal Alcohol, forget whatever it is that did this to Chase's brain....


I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.  I DO NOT WANT TO LEARN MORE.  I DO NOT WANT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT "anomia" IS.  


Why is this hitting me so hard? 

Jim is kinda smilin' about it...he feels relief.  He feels good.  He feels like we are armed with more info and can tackle the "label".


I KNOW that is the normal response.


So.  Why am I freakin' out so much??!!  


Mercifulgoodnessgoodgrief.


I'll be fine tomorrow.  I promise.  I will process this.  I will put my fighting gloves on and take on "anomia" with all my might.


But there's a few hours between now and then and for that time...I am wavering between punching something, hiding, or eating twelve gallons of ice cream.  


I'll let ya know which I chose.


Andrea
"anomia" ?  Who the heck has EVER even heard of "anomia"?!!"  Leave it to a Cockrum Boy!  


PS I wrote this entire post while not looking at the computer screen because I am still so embarrassed about how selfish I am taking this.  I don't even wanna see my feelings in writing!  But I want my feelings recorded so I can compare our highs to our lows ... so ... sorry for all the misspellings. There are surely more than even what's usual for me.

What? Eh? A Normal Day? Really? Well...Normal for Us.

 

My neighbor and I took a "felting class" last night. We are making "slippers"! 

"Felting" is the art of combining fibers (usually llama, wool, mereno)

into an item or art.

 

I, um, apparently, had done something wrong! ha

 

"Nan", our felting instructor, was a hoot. She was giving us a

hard time about talking to much :)

 

Soooo....Apparently I was NOT paying full attention to my project :)

 

My fiber!  It is a blend of merino and llama I believe. Nan dyed it these colors.

 

  

More of my fibers...We will finish our slippers at our next lesson :)

"Felting" was just something my neighbor was interested in and

didn't have to talk to long for me to agree to tag along to a lesson or two!

*******************************************************************

We woke.

We coffee'd.

We ate.

We cleaned.

We schooled.

We napped.

We practiced basketball.

We played outside.

We had "Steak-n-Shake" for dinner.

et al.

It has been a few weeks since it's been 'normal' around here....

AND!

Along with a bit of 'normal', we finalized the details of hiring a "Mother's Helper"!  She starts next week and will be here 3 days/week from 11-5.  Whoot!  Whoot! 

(oh please oh please oh please let this work and that it doesn't made me feel weird about having someone around....eesh.)

We interviewed three girls face-to-face and about six online. Our new helper, Kiya, is energetic and used to large families! And if she's not, she soon will be :)

It will be so nice, though, because I will be able to school the boys without figuring out somethin' for Miss Priss (aka: Aven) to do ...  and since she sports that typical 15 second-long 2 year old attention span, I find myself, often, spending way more time getting her involved in activities than actually teaching!  Not Good!!

I have had an interesting "God" thing going on...

Wanna hear about it?  (okay...I heard that...but I am going to write about it anyways ya bullies! :)

God has been subtly whispering something to me.  The first whisper, I flat out ignored because I did not recognize it as a divine prompt and the mere thought of doing what was whispered was enough to scare me up a tree.

However, that same divine whisper/gut feeling/urge/unusual thought penetrated my mind again yesterday.

Instantly, I realized this "feeling" this "urge" this " errant thought" as God.  

And I did a mental stomping of feet while "whispering back" NO! Don't Wanna!  You can't make! No Way!

ha.  

I should so know better.  

As a result of my temper tantrum, He ramped up the "urge" / the "feeling" to the point that I knew I had to act upon it or be miserable.

(I asked if He and I could just switch places for this request but He declined.  I, personally, think I would have made a good "God" for a short stint...but I found no agreement with that from Him. Just who does He think He is??  Oh.)

So, I have started the process to do what He has whispered .... though it is something way out of my comfort league in a few ways.

However, I know God is a respector of persons and is not out simply to mortify me, I believe it is simply an obedience test that will challenge me and make me spiritually stronger.

I may talk about it in more specifics later...maybe!

But...even without the "next" phase of this request having happened yet, I feel a deep sense of peace simply for being 'obedient' and starting the process ... even though I did not want to do it.

I feel a peace that I wish was present at all times...but...I know that attaining this peace is part of our struggle as Christ-Followers so I will simply enjoy it while it lasts :) 

This peace, to me, feels almost tangible within me. I know I am in accord with what God wants for me today.  It makes my inner-self feel taller, brighter, happier.  It almost makes me feel honored to be challenged like this because it means He knows I 'can' pass the test..it is a matter of if I would chose too.

If God is whispering (or shouting!) something to ya, I encourage you to step out of your spiritual envelope and just go for it. It's a scary step, I literally understand, but after that first step, the others seem to come much easier...

Along with all of this.....

We are headed to the Audiologist (again) tomorrow...this time with Tye AND Chase.  

I have SO MUCH hope that we will leave this time with concrete answers, a plan of attack, something!

(I know many of you are saying, "Chase? Why?".  If you were around Chase 24/7 you would see his struggles with speaking in complete sentences, understanding humor, using the right word for what he is trying to convey, and how, when he starts trying to relay a story, he usually starts over at least 4 times before he is able to complete it...This all points to a, potential, auditory delay)

 

Notice Chase has earphones on. These are the type of earphones that

completely drown out background noise. He can concentrate

MUCH better with these on. Otherwise, he is completely distracted by what else is 

going on in the school room.

Jim and I are simply shaking our heads at God's Providence.

SO much of the therapies that Tye has needed, Chase has turned out to need and benefit from it too.  Specifically, Neurofeedback Therapy.

Without researching Tye's "issues" and finding the right niche for his struggles, we would never have recognized some of the struggles in Chase. 

It would have been simply written off as "Oh, that's just how he is", etc., when it doesn't have to be this way!  Chase shouldn't have to struggle to convey a thought.

GOD knew having Tye in our family would lead us to answers for Chase that we didn't even know we needed! Amazing Stuff.

So. MAYBE.  JUST MAYBE.  We will have some answers tomorrow....

(this is the part where I start crossing my fingers, my toes, my arms, my ankles, my knees, and my eyes for answers!!! haha)

Andrea

Um. I have to wake UP and be 45 minutes from my home by 10 o'clock tomorrow for the audiologist appointments.  Why can't "life" start at 1:00pm or even noon?  sheesh.

Our over-scheduled yet homeschooled kids....How do you all in public school get it all done?!

I know that my anxiety-issues are making me feel bogged down and unorganized, which affects the sentiments in this post I am sure.

                              (Trey making a play!!)

But, even before I was dealing exhaustion, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, et al!, I have ALWAYS wondered how public school families fit "it" all in?!

                        (Aven was OVER basketball...haha)

The basic homework, additional projects, weekend games/rehearsals/practices, weeknight rehearsals/practices/games, church activities, friend events, grocery shopping, house-cleaning, 'down' time with your family....all while following a rigid school-based schedule full of 'required assignments', 'required attendance', 'required parent-teacher meetings'.

                     (Zane was relaxing while watching?!)

HOW THE HECK?!

                     (Look at those ball handling skillz by #3!)

If Jim and I were doing all that PLUS sending our kids to a "school building" each day, we'd be even more exhausted than we are!

           (I accidentally had my camera upsidedown and got this cool shot:)

I kinda feel like 'homeschooling' gets idolized and revered when, in truth, families that are healthy and thriving within the very demanding/rigid school system and still getting their kiddos exposed to outside activities AND while maintaining peer relationships let alone a relationship with Christ...THAT should be revered.

      (Oh..there's battle waging!Who will win? Bball guys or Star War guys?!)

Our family "vision" is, definitely, quite different from the majority.  We enjoy being home together, ALOT!  We PLAN "at home" time.  Our kids love being "home".  

     (Look at #3 making a beautiful shot! He did have one 3 - pointer this game :)

I'd say maybe once/month Chase will ask to "get out of the house and do something"....though they do great when in public groups, are around their peers weekly...etc...They still truly enjoy "home".

I often see Moms/Dads at basketball games (this is all on my mind because I saw this today at my oldest son's basketball game) watching their participating player with one eye and eyeing the homework their other child is doing during the game.

I'm not saying that's wrong I just can't get my head around it. It seems so..encompassing.

        (ssshhhh....the "secret basketball- all -afternoon magic 'survival' pellets" .....)

I guess we are rebels in that we don't really want any one thing 'encompassing' us...other than our pursuit of God-liness...we don't do 'travel leagues', we don't take on a 'new' ministry if it takes away from our current ministry - the kids.

Yes, our kids "consume" us but that feels, usually, balanced.  Kids seem like they 'should' be consuming....but an 'activity' should not be consuming even it if it's a textbook, project, or lesson.

At least not at the ages our kids are.

 (Brudders playin'...And NOT watching their oldest bro play.  What's up with dat?!)

Jim and I are just "off" like that.  We refuse to let ONE thing, other than spiritual issues, dominate our lives.

An, actually, when I say 'spiritual issues', I do not mean a church building.

                (Folks, the Mom is losing all control of her littles.)

Sure, we attend church regularly but that is not what 'makes' us Christ-followers.

My hats off to all of you who do it the "other" way (wink) ....  I have no idea how you pull it all together...Makes me need a nap just thinkin' about it!

Andrea

Post O' Pictures!

I figured we'd all had enough good cries here this week....some light and fluffy pics seemed appropriate :)  

Chase succeeded in conquering his stage fright and "got through" his first official "play" without any permanent injury I think :) 

(( and looking at that first pic, I wonder if Jim's parents EVER foresaw that they'd have 3 grandkids from three different countries?!!  ha That pic has them with the Russian, the Guatemalican, and the Chinita!)

Trey and Zane had a fantasmo time at a semi-private pottery lesson we are taking with our neighbor friends.....My boys were mesmerized by the pottery wheel....Did we undercover some raw talent that had been in hiding??!! hhhhmmmm....tis possible!

Have a sweet weekend my friends....but please keep a family in your prayers. 

(okay..well...I guess we can't stay away from tears here this week...)

A homeschooling mom friend of mine died suddenly at the age of 42, leaving two dearly loved daughters and one prized husband behind...."May God Hold That Family In His Hands" ....

Sincerely and with prayers,

Andrea

Tye said "Thank You" but he was ALL wrong.

My precious, delayed, quirky, and intelligent Tye Andrew.

If you have followed my blog for any time at all, you know that is almost 7 year old son of ours is unique. He is delicate yet fierce.


His delicacy came through today at lunch...though he had it all wrong.




Me and my absolute most valued treasures of all time were sitting our kitchen table.  Some of the kids were doing some schoolwork...others were finishing lunch.


Somehow, which it is always "somehow"....never "scheduled", the topic of adoption came up.  I "believe" it came up because Tye, in his quirky hard-to-understand speech said to Trey, 

"Ray, u enn Muom's bwellee?"   (Trey, were you in Mom's belly?)





You see.  There's some momentous comprehension going on within my special son's brain.

The light is starting to blink on and off internally as to what adoption is as compared to a biological child.  This, in and of itself, is a stunning step.  This the child that could not put more than 3 words together a year ago.

As per my typical my "Teaching Trey" replied, "Yes Tye, I was but you weren't.  You were in China."


Tye responded (again an actual response is practically miraculous and did not occur for the longest time with this child), "Me enn Muom's bellee."  and he adamently pointed to himself.

I delicately stepped into the conversation and said, "No Tye, you were is Miss Li's tummy.  Mommy and Daddy adopted you.  Remember the pictures you look? Daddy, Mommy, and Chase all got on an airplane to China and then we brought you home with us. "





Tye had a contemplative look .... though I know he's heard these same words from me before but you just never know when his "light bulb" is going to stay ON for a certain idea, memory, or ability.

He responded, "Me? Enn Yina? OOOOOO. I hab a howse?"   (Me? In China? O! Did I have a house there?"

"No, sweet boy, you were in a baby house with a bunch of other kids. That's why Mommy and Daddy adopted you!  You needed to come home!  This is your house!"





{insert random comment from Zane:  "Tye you didn't have a Mommy or a Daddy in China."  Thanks for that one Zane!  Suck the love right out of the room!




Luckily he didn't have Tye's full attention so Tye wasn't sidetracked .... We don't really make such scary and blanket statements like that when it comes our children's adoption heritage!}


Back to Tye ....  at this point he has his little off-balance, cleft-affected nose all scrunched up...you can almost SEE him thinking.

He says, "I wike dis howse. Dank you Mowm for my howse." (I like this house. Thank you Mom for my house.)  (Pass the tissue's please.)

 Then he said, "I wike Aben, and Nala, and my browdrs too.  Dank you Mowm for China." (I like Aven, and Nala -our dog-, and my brothers too. Thank you Mom for China."  (Pass MORE tissue please...my makeup is running down my knees!)

TYE told US "thank you", essentially, for adopting him. In his own unique way, he conveyed that fact that he knew Jim and I did "something" to get home to HIS house.  He understands he was not "in my belly" ... and he still THANKED ME.


Swallowing my emotion, I said, "Tye thank you for being my son.  I love you!"




{insert the Cockrum peanut gallery saying:  "Yay, Tye I love you most of the time."  or "You do Tye? You don't act like it."  hhmmm.... the things that brothers say!  

It their truth though and I did not make them change their words except to remind the one who said "most of the time" that family love is unconditional and that there is never a time when we don't love each other no matter what.




Not 'liking' is one thing and that is fleeting..not 'loving', though, is not the standard we hold for our kids}


Tye does NOT need to tell ME thank you!  Neither does Chase (adopted from Russia) or Aven (adopted from Guatemala) nor do my two biological sons.





How to convey to a small child that a force as strong as the pull of the Earth brought us all together?  That our family would be WRONG without Tye.  He is part of our puzzle.  He fits.   

All five of them are puzzle pieces found through the world that fit together perfectly.  And some people don't acknowledge a God in all of this?  scoff.


Sure, Tye's tons of work, tons of energy, and tons of medical confusion.... but he was ordained to be ours once his birth family needed to release him for adoption.


To have your adopted child tell you "Thanks for adopting me" just feels WRONG!

 


Chase went through a phase when he said this kind of stuff...and we ALWAYS clarified that HE has done so much more for US than us for him.  


We did not "save" our adopted children.  They saved us.





It's a weird emotional bubble to hover in .....  I appreciate the gratefulness but I also understand I pretty much had NO choice in the matter if we wanted to live within the plan God has laid before us.


We are not heros.  We are obedient Christians who have been blessed beyond our measure....


So, Tye, my precious, THANK YOU for being OUR SON.  For making us a better family...





It is, truly, our HONOR.


(even if you are like the hardest kiddo ever to understand, treat, teach, and understand :)


Blown Away...This IS Tye's new life motto:  John 9:1-3


 1 As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.





Andrea


PS Please keep Chase in your thoughts as he is "John Arabel" in a production of "The Charlotte's Web" Friday night the 20th and he is NOT pleased about this :)  




With his Fetal Alcohol Effect, memorizing lines and following the logic of the play is a true stretch for him. 

I am ready to talk more about my Dad.

My Dad, who passed away 15 years ago, was a bit renowned for wearing "Aramis"cologne.

 

It has a very distinct smell.

Our house would fill with the smell of "Aramis" when Dad was dressing for work, when he was getting ready for church,  or when 'company' was coming over.

Open his closet...Yep, you guessed it .... "Aramis".

Get a hug from Dad, yep, "Aramis" would seep into my sensory system and my brain would register: "DAD!"

Since his death, I have purposefully distanced myself from the smell of "Aramis".

We have even been careful what cologne Jim wore because some smells were so similar to "Aramis" that it would make me uncomfortable. I was, apparently, avoiding the good memories of my Dad whereas I simply felt I was 'handling' it effectively.

I have even been known to be uncomfortable simply walking past the men's cologne counter because boxes and boxes of "Aramis" would be displayed....which would make me think of all that I am missing by not having Dad around...and I would force myself to stuff the good memories further down into the vast depths of my conscious so I wouldn't have to "deal" with them.  

I thought that was healthy. It seemed "mature" to be able to proceed through life without breaking down upon the sight of an "Aramis" box.  It seemed right.  I mean, what kind of weakling would have tears flow at the mere sight or smell of her deceased father's cologne?  

But, this new "Let's Just Deal With Crap" Andrea has, apparently, realized that actually THINKING about good memories, even if brings tears, is NOT a sign of weakness or immaturity but of processing and honor.

So get this...

We were strolling around a department store this weekend and Jim was shopping for cologne.

As per our previous protocal, he had several samples he wanted me to smell...making sure no 'Aramis Triggers' occurred...

I told him which one I liked....then....I spied the "Aramis" display.  (I swear they haven't changed that box in years!)

 

Without even realizing or second-guessing the words that were suddenly coming out of my mouth...

I was asking the sales clerk for a SAMPLE of "ARAMIS"...I said, "Could I have a sample of Aramis? My Dad, who passed years ago, always wore that and I want to smell 'that' smell again to think of him."

I think you could have scooped Jim up off the varnished department store floor.

And then, after my words registered with my brain, I still didn't back out!

I even SMELLED the sample after she gave them to me (Amy, she gave me two...I'll send one to you if you want...)

The smell did not make me a blob of weak goop like I'd expected....I just, simply, made me smile.

I saw my Dad in his brown, tweed suit coat adding the cologne as the last step in his "getting ready"routine.

I remembered the many boxes of "Aramis" I witnessed my Dad unwrap for Christmas over the years.

The smell was GOOD!  

How did I do it?!!  How did I let my mouth verbalize what was good and right without my brain or soul shutting it down asap as per usual?

The ONLY thing I can think of is my therapy.

My Post-Traumatic Stress Therapy has passed addressing "just" the Chicago accident and is now addressing the issues I feel as a Mom with a special needs kid, the 'loss' of Story (our 'first' Guatemalan daughter), and now, even, the death of my Father that I have, apparently, not really processed all these years.

I am thankful for progress.

I am thankful that I am allowing myself to recall the good memories while risking the sadness that comes with them sometimes.

Mostly,  I am grateful for the little sample of "Aramis" I now carry in my purse and, of which....
 
I take a sniff of when I am trying to relax and push an anxiety attack away.

Who knew that my deceased Daddy could help me with my anxiety?!  A Dad's Love Never Ends.

 Grateful,

Andrea

.....a project in process....

(this may be one of my favorite posts ever. I cried. And it didn't freak out. Can I have some comment love now?! :)

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY TREY-BEAR!!! A Momma's Ode to Her Son....

My PRECIOUS Trey....

Precious doesn't really sum you up. 

You are WAY more complicated than that my love.

You seem to have an internal "gear" system that doesn't synchronize with all others ....  Your "gears" work on a level that I love and find mesmerizing.

Your gears are labeled "technology", "creativity", "wit", "instinct", "sarcasm", and a few are "frustration", "anger", "exasperation" ....  but your gears work together in amazing ways that we find beautiful and personally amazing.

Your Dad and I often talk about what your future will look like. We are so excited for you!

However, we get caught between a "College Professor", "A First Grade Teacher", a "Musician", or a "Music Teacher" ....  of course we also see you 'sidelining' some of your creativity via online ventures like your Dad.

(However, currently, you want to be a 'Sniper' in the military...gasp.)

We also think YOU will be the one to have the biggest family....We could be proven wrong, of course, but you have such a deep sense of nurturing that you show towards Aven .... It is easy to see you becoming a Father of several :)

 Sometimes, when you are sitting in a room with me, I am thoroughly confounded as to what might be going on in your mind!  You are a quiet Einstein that, sometimes, enjoys some silence and quiet thoughts. 

Given this personality trait, you deal oh-so-well with the bit o'chaos that is our home.  We are very proud of you for this.

You are working through how you handle your anger ...  sometimes it seems like it just strikes you by surprise!  But, you are now able to focus it and handle it in very healthy and helpful ways.  You have learned that "anger" is not bad...just it's consequences sometimes.  Kudos to you for working so hard on this this last year of your precious life.

Trey, you were are first "newborn" .....  I'm not sure you would have let us take you home from the hospital if you'd had ANY idea what you were in for with us :)  Mommy smooching 24.7 all over you, Chase wanting you to play with him when you were two weeks old (!), and Daddy putting any and all sports-oriented outfits on you at any and every given chance :)

Little did we know, you'd rather have listened to guitar music, had some quiet time, and worn "creative cat" type stuff!  We got yer back now though kiddo :)

You are our balance, Trey-Bear.  You bring a sense of calm and courage into our home that we value immensely.  Your new ideas that hit you daily make us ALL think and ponder and become better people as a result.

Your siblings are immensely blessed to have you standing ahead and behind them as you all travel through life together.  We are so grateful for your love of them.

Happy 10th Birthday Trey-Bear....You are a Wonder and a Gift that We are So Grateful To Have Received.....

Throwing 10 birthday spanks your way....

Your Momma (and Poppa)....


PS Funny Memory:  Today, Trey looked at me and said, "I am trying to think of what else I need to do before I turn 10." (note: this was said ON his 10th birthday!)



I, of course, said, "Hug your Momma!" He did.  :)