"True Moments of Family"

Gratitude is hanging on our Wall .... um. kinda. You'll get it in a second ... Promise.

2012-03-07T00:48:00.000-06:00

You all know I have been pushing through the days the several weeks. We are convinced it is new medicines that I am needing to adapt too....but it still leaves me frustrated, guilt-ridden, and "down" at times.

When the new medicines were working really well (about a month ago for 2 weeks) I finally got to a family project I'd wanted to do.

A "Family Gratitude Journal".

You can see from the pictures that I decided it needed to be ANCHORED to the WALL for it not to "disappear" .... if you have kids or been around kids I know you know what I am talking about!

It is going quite well. Our goal is to have 1,000 entries by December 31st.

There is no pressure to put in an entry but the kids are filling it up! It is anchored to the wall in a semi-private area of the house (in front of our master bedroom) because I wanted the kids to know that it would not be read by everyone who walks through the front door!

Also, the kiddos pass the "spot" alot and see it often which reminds them to stop for a moment and enter something they are GRATEFUL for.

We have entries that talk about being grateful for certain people to pizza :) Aven, who cannot write yet, draws pictures for her entries. Tye has to have help writing his entries down but he understands what we are doing. We explain it to him as telling him it is to write down what makes us "happy" as the word "grateful" is still to intangible and unknown to him....but he knows "happy" (thank you Jesus :)

Well, haven't I learned a lesson the last several weeks as I WALK PAST THE GRATEFULNESS JOURNAL!!

I have SO much to be grateful for......just seeing the journal hanging there reminds me of the endless entries I could sit down and write.

Yes, I feel crummy. Cruddy. Down. Frustrated.

BUT....danggit....I am putting entries in that Journal.

We can be grateful even when we are sad, hurt, confused, mad, tired, in pain. Even when I do not FEEL "grateful".....I AM GRATEFUL.

I'm learning so many lessons as I fight Post Traumatic Stress, as I deal with new symptoms, as I wonder when I will feel "normal" 7 days in a row again, as I hope to God my kids do not think I am lazy or "always asleep"....that they do not remember me as just being in bed (which is getting better but....it is what it is. I am in bed - exhausted and fighting anxiety - often).

Well...here are some more things I am grateful for.....It gets a bit sappy (sorry) and is heavy on "slobber" in regards to my kids...... bear with me! It serves me well to ponder and remember how grateful I am for some of their qualities...

I haven't included my Superman Husband because I sorta keep the details of our marriage out of this blog but .... he knows I am immensely grateful for SO many things about him. Blows my socks off.... I adore him.

Ok....GRATEFULNESS!! Let's go!

Emily (my cousin, friend, Guat Momma Gang...a fellow Chicago incident survivor!) used to babysit Chase when I was still corporate. She has been a huge part of Chase's life...and now he is taller than her! So weird! So grateful for their neat relationship.

I am exceptionally GRATEFUL for my precious Chase. He brings sunshine into my life every single day. I still cannot believe God granted him to us. So grateful......

Sophia (Emily's Guat Girl) and my Guat Girl havin a bit of a playdate a couple of weeks ago. Guat Girls bring Gratefullness!!

Seriously...going to Aven's ballet/tap is a shot in the arm for Jim and I. Is is just SO adorable! Makes me grateful that she is enjoying herself so entirely.

I am grateful that Aven gives me little gifts and pictures ALL DAY LONG ;) I remember my other kids being in this stage and it's entirely sweet and makes me feel honored. I have kept many of my "babies'" creations in a big box I call my "Joy Box" .... I will add this sequined plastic plate to my collection tonight :)

Oh this boy. When I sit and ponder him. Really audit his journey there is nothing but "OH thank you God" for how far he has come and trusting he will get the rest of the way "there".

My kids truly love being homeschooled. I know there aren't any pictures of my older kids here (showing them wit a sappy-smile with their schoolwork...ha) but I get a RUSH when I see them learn, enjoy, grow, experiment, and a help each other learn. 11 years of homeschooling. Very grateful.

Trey EXCELS at helping out with the smaller kids. He definitely has a knack for teaching and enjoys it. He is patient and kind and truly interested in helping them learn.

I am grateful that I can have Trey help me with Aven's kindergarten when I need to and KNOW that she is in great hands....her big brother's hands. He will always be there for his siblings...He is just wired like that. Goosebump Grateful.

(Yes, I was using bouillion cubes to help Tye with Math. It's a long story....but....they were a good choice from what I had to pick from!!! Then, Aven [who smells everything], carried a cube around all day sniffing it because she said it smelled like "soup"..... that is even weirder than me using bouillion cubes to help Tye with Math!! )

I had some girlfriends over the other night and oh HECK being around my friends makes me feel SO VERY GRATEFUL!

{seriously do NOT look at my hair. Awe dang you just looked! This was the end of the night...We'd been teaching each other "Show Choir" dance moves [I know that sounds cheesy but it was truly hysterical :], etc...

My hair was a hot mess...as you can see! dang....messy hot mess!!! Stop looking!! ;}

To have friends that have stuck through this ridiculous journey with me...well... I am stinking BLESSED!

Just like you all who read my blog and encourage me....It is just amazing what friendship (in real life or cyber!) can do to help a girl feel better!

Tye gave Aven a "makeover". She felt and thought the makeup looked beautiful...and I went with that....as I giggled behind her back and laughed as Tye was trying to put mascara on her lips ;)

I am grateful that Tye would go along with this type of play and I am immensely grateful for the giggles I heard coming from the bathroom.

I am GRATEFUL for our family. I could not ask for more. It would be impossible to have a tighter little puzzle of people .....

It amazes me how our Motley Crew has come together, how the personalities work together, how God uses one member to sharpen another, how one draws out a necessary character trait in another that benefits the latter dramatically.

So.

Yes.

I am grumpy. mad. confused. tired of this journey. surprised at new symptoms....

BUT...I can still be GRATEFUL and I need to be focus on that.

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR??

Andrea

NOTE: I am NOT grateful for how Aven trashes her room every other day! I do believe the girl has one to many tu-tu's.... which is something I NEVER thought I would say!!!!

Click the orange sentence below to leave me a thought, comment, etc!!

v v v v v v v v v v v v v v

It's Just Not There.

2012-03-01T21:14:00.001-06:00

I have no idea what is going on with me.

But, I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say.

I have tried to remind myself that this blog is to document our family and, along the way, have some fantastic conversations with you guys. You guys make me think. You make me a better person.

But.

I'm blank.

I could tell you about the bird cage, with a bird in it, has been banished to the front coat closet because she will only be quiet in the dark.

You could laugh along with me as I pondered the state of my life the other day....pondering because I was using wrapped, beef bouillon cubes to help Tye with Math. (candy melts! and he can't eat much of anything anyways....so the cubes seemed like the right choice when I was surveying my options in the pantry!).

And, as a result of discovery bouillon cubes...Aven (who smells everything..it's eery and scary) now loves to carry some around and just "smell them cuz they smell like soup". Um? Normal? No!

Or how Chase, age 15, is sure he is getting a new mustang when he turns 16 and how that is all he talks about. But, in reality, if he is LUCKY he will get a beater. Reality bites. He is about to learn this.

Or maybe how Trey is now fashion-obessed and looks way better than me 99% of the time! He does his hair every morning (remember..we homeschool...coiffed hair not required ;) and puts on an outfit that takes him quite awhile to decide upon. This is shocking as he is the last of the 5 that I foresaw doing this. It is also quite enamoring.

I could tell you that Zane now owns a SNAKE. And Jim and I bought it for him :) It's a small corn snake. It's gross. Scary. Slithery. gross. scary. slithery. Did I say gross? BUT the boy adores it and it is IN HIS ROOM. I told him there's better be a boulder on the lid of that cage!

Tye took his guinea pig, "Beijing", for a walk -outside- yesterday. Yep, a collar fits Beijing's neck so...WHY NOT I ASK??! Cutest thing ever.

(I guess I wasn't totally blank.)

But, I just do not feel "myself".

I was having some seriously good days a few weeks ago but then another new medication was added...I dunno. I feel a little raw added with numb.

I am a little tired of the "fight" to get normal. I'm starting to think that my brain may never bounce back and that we need to redefine "normal" for Andrea.

I am out and about more. The PTSD is tamed better with the new medications and some of the other symptoms/disorders that were diagnosed recently are somewhat better.

There is also some deep relational (not Jim :) hurt that I am trying to sort through. It bogs me down. Makes me mad, sad, confused, and torn. This has been going on for years though. Why is it hanging on me like this right now??

I.....just.....scrape each day through.

I am happy.

I enjoy my family.

I am seeing friends IRL.

But...it all feels like it is done by scraping, pushing, convincing myself, mentally, that I can "do it".

This is not cancer. It is not heart disease. It is not ALS. It is not MS.

"This" that I fight is not terminal.

But "this" is stinks. hurts. makes me feel weak....that I have to take a whole regimen of pills every night simply to be "ok".

Jim and I have decided we ARE going to adopt again.....in a few years. (and everyone says "DUH!")

But, we had to figure it out for ourselves, ya know? I know God is not done with our family but I also feel Him whispering "Enjoy this lull. Enjoy what you have." And that is what we will do...and are doing....

But I am still fighting to do this.....and it's exhausting.

Dang. I'm a downer. Not even any cute kid pictures or funny graphics.

Sorry.

This is "ME" the last many days.

Would appreciate advice and encouragement....You all have walked through so much of this blasted PTSD with me.

I'll perk up.

Andrea

Note: If we are friends on Facebook....I definitely do not seem as "remorse" there...but Facebook is an odd place where you put itty-bitty bits about your life.

You can see that I have had happiness if we are friends on Facebook. But, here, in my "safety zone" of "True Moments of Family" I let my hair down and tell the rest of the story.

I have often talked of PTSD, etc., on Facebook but it is hard to convey the truths and impacts in that cyber-arena. It is much easier here.

I did not want my FB friends to think "she acts fine on Facebook...what the heck is this all about?" kwim?!

Okay. You get it :)

I'm alive...I promise...the rumors of my bloggin' demise have been greatly exaggerated!

2012-02-26T22:19:00.004-06:00

(smile)

I have just had a hard week. SO super tired.

I could barely get dressed let alone blog anything worthwhile.

Trust me...You are glad I haven't been here for a few days ;)

I am on a few new medications to help with my anxiety, etc., and my body is still adjusting to them apparently...as I had been feeling much better. Though the doctor did say to expect all this up/down junk - I had hoped to skip it. guess not.

Anyways, I am feeling better and will be back to talk this week.

Till then...Just picture me like this: (it is SO SO SO accurate...cough cough eyeroll giggle)

Have a great start of the week my kickin' blog friends.....I appreciate you :)

Luvs,
Andrea

I hate "brick walls". I want answers. action. anything!

2012-02-21T01:52:00.002-06:00

You guys have ALL been where we are right now.

CONFUSED about a life path.

A fork in the road. One of those BIG serving forks that have multiple prongs kinda fork in the rock.

As a couple, we have things we "think"/"thought" we are to do...to start...to accomplish.

But, danngit if doors don't keep shutting in our faces.

It truly makes one wonder if you are "in line" with what God really wants for you or if you are just trying to be a selfish rut and get what you want.

I do not want to be a selfish rut. (Though I am afraid I am a mite good at it)

*I think I just created a new phrase! "selfish rut". I know you think I meant to type "selfish runt" but I did not :) Remember, I get a kick outta making up new words for my blog.*

I want to be on the path that is easy to follow. Maybe not "easy" to actually walk down but one who's direction is OBVIOUS. We are not scared of "hard" [ok. I am a little bit. ] but a clear path would be very appreciated right now.

A path that doesn't require Jim and I to be rethinking, rehashing, revamping life "stuff" that we want to accomplish.

If you haven't guessed yet...Yes..this is about the "Motley Crew" and that we think there is another member out there somewhere.

[Mind you: ALL of these processes take FOREVER...as in there would be no new member of the "Motley Crew" for well over a year, probably more. Also, my health is improving each week now (!!!!)...more on that soon...and, yes, we are all doing jumping jacks over this fact! So....it seemed prudent to start the research phase now. No. We are NOT crazy. I swear. SWEAR!}

BUT....our forward movement keeps hitting a....

BRICK WALL.

Tonight, we attended a very successful, local adoption agency's monthly "Informational Session" to learn about domestic (birthmom/baby/open) adoption.

We were told, to our faces, "I just do not think it would work out for you."

[and this is after explaining that our parameters for a baby would be very wide...we are not looking to adopt a healthy, same skin baby! And she still said ... "SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT" growl.]

SLAM MY FACE ON A BRICK WALL.

This very informed adoption agency representative feels that a birthmother would not chose us as we "have already been blessed". Yes, we have been blessed 5 times and each time was miraculous but I didn't expect that to deter a birthmom from selecting us.

But, apparently, it would. The agency representative said in her many years of placing babies, she has only placed a baby in a home with 3 kids 2 times. And we, obviously, have 5.

Jim had a good point thought: Maybe there are not a lot of looney couples who have 5 and want to adopt a 6th and, as a result, her experience is jaded.

And, you know what I thought the instant she said all that...(and cuz I am a brat?)...."Sign us up NOW then" so that we can prove you wrong. WHAT is wrong with me that I would think that????

I suppose it is my ongoing, slightly obsessive desire to show society that big families, or bigger than average for these days, can still rock it out...that we are not looking to create a kid commune but that parenting is a privilege and the best journey, in my opinion, that a human being can experience. And we just want more of it!

happy sigh.

Anyways.....I am sure that meeting tonight is fueling this post.

However...there is more fuel to these emotions:

A few weeks ago, we got serious about looking into foster care.

We have always felt this was in our future. Maybe, we thought, it was time.

NOPE!

It turns out that....

Indiana just passed a law that a fostering family can only have 5 children in the house [does not matter if children are yours or foster child...5 kids in house max. Welp - we are already at the "maximum"... silly us!]. This applies even if you are fostering with the intent to adopt the child!

BRICK WALL.

And, HELLO? WHAT??!! There are children wallowing in group homes, etc in Indiana but the Governor decides that some foster families are abusing the system so he limits the number of kids one can foster.

WAIT - I'm sorry..but isn't that the JOB of the Department of Child Welfare, who approves fostering families, to verify their homes are safe and sound for the kids? It seems the hammer came down on the wrong heads if you ask me.

I am confused. Frustrated. Sort of angry. It should not be this difficult.

There are still some additional avenues we will research and international adoption is definitely still an option...but...I just do not know if my heart can take the wait. Maybe it can?

The process of getting approved (blah! yuk! paperwork out the wazoo! We HATE paperwork. Just ask our accountant! Thank God she is a close family friend or she surely would have dropped us like a hot rock by now ;)

BUT...the gut-wrenching time of staring at your child's picture (after you are assigned one) for 8-10 months before you are allowed to go get him/her. Worst thing EVER!

If we had not done it 3 times already...I think I would have more 'gumption' for the process. But...my heart feels a bit wrung out over it all.

And, heck, funding another international adoption is a pretty big deal. (If you read this post and feel led to donate a nice and large and beautiful sum of money to an international adoption...well...just sayin' that we would take you up on that offer and start the adoption paperwork tomorrow;)

I know what most of you are thinking...."If you keep hitting brick walls, that means STOP!".

Eh. I am not convinced. Neither is Jim. At least not yet.

We are not to "scarred" and can run into the dang perverbial wall a bit more.

But who knew that creating the treasured collection that we have now would hinder us in adding to it in the future?

It seems very, very, very backwards to me.

It is backwards because the kiddo that could use a family and the family that desperately wants the kiddo...is on the back-burner somehow.

The phenomenon feels worse than it did the other times we forged into an adoption. I dunno. Maybe I am jaded? HIGHLY POSSIBLE . ha.

However, IF we can tumble this symbolic BRICK WALL we keep smashing our faces into, I know that 20 years from now we will be so happy we did.

I'd rather have a "bleeding face" and "brick mortar" all over us while we are watching our Crew thrive years from now.

As they venture into lives of their own and we reap the massive benefits of having been privileged to parent them and then to watch them soar.

Prayers appreciated...
Andrea

P.S. Later this week I am going to share another member of the "Collections" story....Tye's. It will be intense. You have been duly warned..... ;)

Watch Tye try to Read.....Special Needs Kids and Reading...Hard Combo.

2012-02-13T20:48:00.002-06:00

Oh heck he TRIES SO HARD (mostly!).

He WANTS to make the word come out of his mouth.

He TRIES to get the sounds in the right spots.

(crying....just so close to my heart....)

BUT. HIS. BRAIN. WILL. JUST. NOT. COOPERATE.

I TRULY TRULY TRULY think it WILL someday.

I am not giving up on that hope because it feels very "do-able" for Tye to EVENTUALLY read.

Until then...

Well....Repetition and Patience are called for.

Thank you for your offers of help in my last post...I have looked in "LearningRX" and have a call into them.

We will FIGHT for our boy.

We will be PATIENT for this boy (even if it means we go scream in another room where he cannot hear it)

We WILL persevere for this child that has Divine Plans set before him.

We will NOT let him down by giving up.

NOPE.

Everyone has issues they deal with that are HARD, CONFUSING, UPSETTING, HEART-BREAKING.

So.

The Pity Party Stops Here.

And we continue to pursue every thing available to our precious son....our son that we did not know until he was 2.25 yrs old but who is engrained into the fibers of our heart as if we have him since the beginning of time....

There is definitely an element of society that says "Just let him be...He won't really know the difference and everyone will understand because he is adopted."

That element of society can kiss my ... yep.

And after that they can watch us love this child of OURS and FIGHT for this child of OURS .... and when he reads, when he drives, when he succeeds in his educational career, and when he rocks this WORLD....

Well...that element of society, even though they will never verbally admit to being wrong, can at least SILENTLY acknowledge that they didn't understand the POWER of LOVE between a PARENT and a CHILD....not matter HOW the PARENT and the CHILD came together

So.

Let's keep squeezing those sounds together Tye....

We are GOING TO HIT THIS OUT OF THE PARK...

Eventually.

Even if it hurts, is sad, is frustrating....OUT.OF.THE.PARK.

Your Momma, Your Teacher

Andrea

I couldn't stop the tears.

2012-02-08T21:47:00.003-06:00

I was schooling Tye today.

Our kiddo that has some cognitive delays to kick to the curb. And, a happy percentage of his delays have been conquered and kicked!

But.

Today.

He was struggling to sound out the word "man".

I was taken by surprise I guess.(this was one of the first times I'd intently worked on reading with Tye for awhile .... others in the family had been helping him while I'd been fighting PTSD, etc).

He'd been doing some writing and his retention was fantastic....I guess I assumed this meant his brain had made some invisible strides in regards to the act of reading.

Sigh.

Not So Much.

I tried to silently wipe the tears away as he continued "M". "A". "N". (He says the letter's names, not the sounds unless prompted too. 'Gluing' the sounds together to make a word...Well, he is unable to do this without help. He knows some words and names because he has memorized them.)

I could not stop the rush of tears.

What if he won't ever read? What does this say for his life? Someone who cannot read is 20 steps behind all the time. In everything.

I gave Tye some paper to doodle on and went into Jim's office and just had a good, quiet, cry.

I feel sad for Tye.

I know we are doing all we can. I know we are serving him well by schooling him at home. I know that giving him a secure, loving environment is, truly, more important than his "reading" due to the terribly rough start he had in life.

But...I'm still in a knot over his inability to read.

My prayer is that by age 10 he is reading at least basic stuff. SURELY that's possible?!!

He's improved in so many other areas (IE: he can almost follow an entire movie plot now, he can listen to a story being read to him and understand most of it, he knows how to write all of his letters -if he can memorize it he is getting better at it-, he is taking piano lessons, he is slowly progressing at Tae Kwon Do, etc).

But, "reading" has not come to him yet.

So, I got myself together and went back out to where Tye was sitting and took up the reigns of teaching him, again, how to "squish" sounds together to make a word. He looked at me like I had two heads...but kept trying to do what I asked of him. (I have taught him this same 'idea' for over 2 years now. His Expressive/Receptive Language delay keeps his brain from 'retaining & understanding' without an amazing amount of repetition.)

But, I couldn't keep the tears from coming back. SUCH SADNESS for my boy.

He asked me what was wrong and I said I had a headache. I think the white lie was justified.

As much as a special needs child must fight to talk, read, improve.....so much his parents.

A special needs kiddo does not get to a better place just by people siting back and watching. It takes time, patience, and a fortitude that you do not automatically "get" when you are given your child that has unique needs.

Tye, Jim, and myself have grown "up" together in so many ways.

Sometimes the growing pains "hurt".....

Today....it hurt.

Tye's Momma,
Andrea

I had promised you a harrowing tale that occured while we were in Russia adopting Chase...Well...

2012-02-02T23:57:00.002-06:00

This story goes with my last post.

However, for the sake of not making that last post a novel, I am creating a new post for this most 'harrowing' of tales....

Well, it goes like this...

We had been in Rostov, Russia living in a small apartment for 8 days. If you read the post below, you will understand why we didn't have Chase yet, weren't allowed to visit him, and had very little to do except visit Rostov's many statue memorials. (after 18? yawn)

Actually, one day we were going to see the circus but when we got there we were told that the circus troope had not shown up. To our westernized minds, this seemed rather ludicrous and unusual. However, the local people just gave a mild shake of the head and went on to something else.

Apparently simply advertising that a show, circus, etc is coming to town guarantees nothing. The people of Rostov seemed very used to these cancellations...Jim and I, on the other had, were let down as we were really looking forward to experiencing something other than steel statues.

Regardless, on the 8th day, that night actually..quite late that night we hear knocking on the front door. Strong knocking.

We were immediately on edge as we were instructed not to open the door for anyone.

Jim peeked through via the chain lock and saw that it was our cook, Jenna.

Wondering what in the heck Jenna was doing in the dead of darkness, knocking on our door, we opened it and had her come in.

She was a bit winded. As if she'd almost ran to the flat and beat it up to the 5th floor we were on.

She started wringing her hands, pointing to Jim, pointing to the door.

[You know how in Spanish and English there are some similarities and a smidge of verbal communication can occur between two individuals where one speaks Spanish and the other English. ABSOLUTELY no the case with Russian and English. Nope. ]

It seemed Jenna wanted Jim to go somewhere with her. However, no what in nothing was I going to be left alone in the apartment!

Where did she want him to go? We had no idea what she wanted but we did know we'd been instructed by our adoption agency in the states to go no where without our interpreter.

And Alexi, our interpreter, was not on the scene nor was there a phone in our apartment that we could call him.

However....Jenna kept pointing at door. Pointing at Jim.

She ended up finding Jim's COAT and started to put it on him. At this point, we knew we were going to have to go with her so I grabbed my coat too.

Then she started pointing at Jim's rear end!!! WHAT? Jenna!

She was SO demonstrative it was obvious that she was in a great hurry over something.

We finally figured out she wanted us to bring money (that's why she was pointing at Jim's rear end ;) and it took another several minutes of gesturing on her part to make us understand that she wanted us to bring a credit card too!

I was thinking, "Oh hot dang. All those rumors I'd heard about having to pay adoption-involved people off once you get in country is stinkin' true! We are in a hot mess!"

Well, we descended the dark staircase and exited into the BITTER, FREEZING, PAINFUL cold of that January night.

It was PITCH black.

I was started to throw "Hail Marys" "Help Us Jesus" "Oh crud we are so stupid" thoughts all around in my head.

Jenna started, at a very quick pace I must add, tromping through the apartment complex parking lot and we followed.....Jim hiding the $8,000 cash (yes, you read that right. She said "all" with her hands...and we'd yet to pay the orphanage fee so we still had way to much money for a "tourist walking during a dark night" on us) and credit cards in his coat.

I started thinking, "Andrea! The agency warned you about this! What the hay are you doing trekking through a parking lot, following a relative stranger, to an unknown destination while carrying all this cash? We are acting like naive tourists. "

"Please Lord don't let us be caught up in some Russian underground spy ring where they are going to put us in a cement room until we agree to be spies for them once we get home! We are horrible liars! We'd never succeed and THEN what would they do?!"

The "following Jenna" part was getting harder by the the millisecond as she was making her own path through alleys, descending a muddy retaining wall (at this point I tripped and worry about the underground spy ring ebbed as surely they were watching us and could see that I am not cut out for covert anything!).

We had been walking for over 30 minutes. I was as cold as dry ice and near tears.

Jim kept saying, "It's gotta be okay. It's Jenna. We know her." But, though he was trying to reassure me, if felt an awful lot like he was convincing himself of his own words.

MORE walking. Crossing deserted streets. Walking through empty parks. Stumbling over curbs. Deciding what I wanted my last words to be.

Jenna never looked back ..... The lady was on a mission (of what we had no clue) and she was going to succeed.

I was hoping that turning two Americans in to some Russia mafia ring did not warrant a financial reward or that Jenna was not going to suddenly stop by a random trash can and tell us to put our money under it for a "payoff" that would be picked up later!

[I obviously read to many spy novels]

Finally, about an hour later and after Jim and I's non-Russian blood had seemingly froze within our veins, Jenna comes to another apartment building that looks JUST like the one were staying in.

"JIM! Did we just walk in circles? Was this some sort of parenting test? "

Jim is silent as he is busy trying to act all natural and stuff....as if we trek through dark, foreign cities with strangers all the time and that the $8,000 he had in his coat was a natural, normal thing for him.

Jenna motions us inside.

At this point..I'm about to run to the nearest American Embassy.

She wants us to go inside this huge apartment complex, at night, with no lighting, and for reasons we STILL do not understand?

I am silently praying like Mother Teresa and Billy Graham combined. I was terrified. I was also frozen, muddy, and tired.

Jenna kept motioning for us to come into the building...if you can "demand" something without words but via hand signals...THAT is what Jenna was doing.

So.....yep....We followed her in.

Oh heck the smell was overpowering, as was the dark.

Of course, she headed to the staircase. Of course, I'm sure I am about to be sold into some slave ring.

We go about 8 floors up (in the dark). We enter a hallway. Jenna almost runs to an apartment door within the hallway.

Jim and I are lingering near the stairs in case a big, bad "Demitri"answers the door drooling for the 2 Americans he'd ordered.

To our surprise, Jenna's SISTER answered the door. We had met her already.

I started to breathe...alittle, but not really.

The two motioned, again...demanded...for us to come inside.

I thought..."DANG! I should have been leaving signs of our whereabouts...like little bits of the fluff from inside my coat as a path to return to in case we end up running out of this apartment for our lives.

We could have followed "the fluff" all the way back to where we SHOULD have been at that point in the night before we made the fatal and naive decision to be dragged, via hand gestures, across a dark, sleeping Russian city."

Once inside the apartment, I DO NOT JOKE, Jenna's sister grabbed Jim by the arm and pulled/dragged him to where a man in the front room was sitting.....and this man was on the phone.

I am thinking...."Oh heck. Someone's dead at home. Oh heck our agency found a problem with the adoption. Oh heck this dude is mafia and is going to pat Jim down for the money. Oh heck we are so stupid. Oh heck...should I leave Jim and run for it?"

The man shoves the phone towards Jim....

"Jim! Wait! We have no idea. You may be giving them some sort of 'Proof of Life' before they kidnap us and tie us up in the basement"

Jim, into the phone, "Hello?"

"Oh Hello Mr. Cockrum! I am SO glad they were able to find you."

Jim, "What is going on? Who is this?"

"Oh, this is BRITISH AIRWAYS. "

(thud.)

"We were called and informed that your date of departure from Moscow is going to be one day earlier than scheduled. We need you credit card information to change the dates.

It seems your friends were trying to do this for you but we are not allowed to change tickets without updated credit card information and they did not have this. So, can I have that information now?"

Jim's body language adds 10 years to his life. He looks at me and gives a "thumbs up".

I want to vomit.

Jenna, her sister, and the man (which turns out to be Jenna's brother-in-law) are all smiling huge grins because, apparently they'd just been telephoned by the Russian counter-part of our adoption agency that this change needed to happen tonight or we would be charged a large fee.

The family was mighty proud of themselves for helping us in such a large manner.

(Apparently, Jenna insisted Jim bring our cash because she was unsure of how the process worked. We figured this out later from our interpreter.)

After Jim finished up the phone call and got the correct departure tickets, the family gave us tea and we all sorta stared at each other because of the massive language barrier.

They were very sweet to us and tried to convey that they thought adoption was a beautiful thing.

I was slowly able to relax and let the underground spy ring, Russian mafia, slave trade, and kidnapping thoughts slowly dwindle as I watched this family smile at us and gesture their thoughts on Chase, the adoption, and such.

However, I was still having trouble getting the teacup to meet my mouth cuz of my shaking hand!

They could tell we were a bit shaken up...and they laughed about it and shrugged their shoulders pretty much saying, "it had to happen tonight".

After tea, we headed back out into the pitch dark night to return to our apartment. Of course, Jenna had to walk us back as we had NO idea where we were in Rostov or how to get anywhere.

The return walk still had it's fair share of mud, stumbling, and an element of scary given the time of night, etc but instead of talking about "Okay, if we get kidnapped, who in our family can pay the ransom', Jim and I were oftentimes laughing so hard that we could have raised Lenin from the dead!

(Yes, he's entombed in Moscow and we were then in Rostove...but...we were laughing that hard and loud !)

We honestly, a few hours earlier, had NO idea what was happening. We were truly thinking very large-scale issues.....but it was about 3 plane tickets.

Apparently, the only people that wanted "Proof of Life" was British Airways.....smile.

And THAT is one of my life's harrowing tales.....

Whatcha think?

Andrea

..as Jim & I followed our host through the darkness of Rostov, Russia...tripping over potholes...having NO idea where she was leading us....

2012-02-01T00:19:00.002-06:00

January 29, 1997 we met our first son. He was 14 mos old, I was 23, and Jim 27 ....

HOW that moment when I felt the weight of my first child in my arms, when I felt my heart lurch into my throat from sheer happiness, when my entire list of priorities instantly rearrange themselves the instant I saw his eyes....

HOW those moments are 14 years old...I just can't get my head around it.

I am feeling sentimental about that as he is growing into well..dang...a MAN ... and so fast!

So, even though I still owe Zane & Avenita a birthday post, I wanted to take time to celebrate our FIRST adoption and share pictures are entirely new to all of my readers :)

I feel like this post is "FOR" somebody. Maybe someone thinking about adoption? I dunno but I had a strong desire tonight to share a bit of our Russian journey with you....

The ENTIRE process only took 9 months (rather fitting I say!).

That is not the case with Russian adoptions now .... but ... Russia IS open to international adoptions!! The process has had some additional (small) hurdles added to it but .... no one will ever tell you it wasn't worth it.

Chase's orphanage........I was a nervous wreck...Knowing Chase was almost within reach..literally!

We had been on airplanes for 18+ hours....We were tired, wired, and thrilled.

That we managed to get to this small, rundown, brick building in the middle of Rostov, Russia ....

(after a night in Moscow, Russia...where some of our luggage was lost and we had to walk the underground train system to shop at kiosks for toothbrushes...truth! Rostov was a 2 hour plane ride south of Moscow.)

It was surreal. God had done it. We were here. We were about to be parents :)

We waited in a small room with our interpreter, Alexi, for about 15 minutes. I seriously was either going to vomit or run...I couldn't decide...I was SO nervouse...But...Then...

A sweet "babushka" that worked at the orphanage walked into the room with this angel child and....

WE MEET OUR SON!
Jim and I's world stopped for a moment.

He.Was.Real.

I did NOT want to let him go. ALL I wanted was to breathe him in longer, study his fingers more, feel his heart-beating as I held him tight...

But..we were only there for a visit..a per the "rules".

Oh it was SO hard to leave him...I knew we wouldn't see him again for 10 days. This was would be after the Russian court hearing and when he would be legally 'ours'.

I think it is one of the cruelest parts of adoption. So many countries and domestic adoption processes allow you to see your child...but then you must leave and return at a later time.

That this happens demeans the power of love within an adoption. To make parents LEAVE their child after seeing him/her is mean.

After I gave birth, no one said, "oh good Mrs. Cockrum, you have had your baby now we will give him back to you in a few days, or weeks, or maybe even months."

This was Chase's crib. And there is NO DOUBT in my mind that God KNEW this was Chase's, His child's, crib.

I know that Chase felt His presence...along with every other orphan...while laying in the crib sorta lingering between Hope and No Hope.

THAT BAG IN MY HANDS? MY FIRST EVER MATROYSHKA DOLLS! Yep! truth!

Also pictured is our interpreter, Alexi (in middle) and another adopting Father on far right. We are still in contact with this couple that ended up being in Rostov, adopting, at the same time as us :) They live in New Jersey...

I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS COLD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. EVER! Even the locals were saying it was a cold winter! Oh vey...My jeans were FROZEN in this picture.

Alexi would give us a bit of a tour each day as we had nothing else to do since we could not visit Chase until after final court hearing.

Alexi is impervious to cold. IMPERVIOUS I tell you.

I'm ALL about culture, etc but once you have seen a steel statue commemorating a great victory you've seen them all...especially when you are super positive your lungs are freezing from the inside out.

BUT NOT according to Alexi. He wanted us to see it ALL. (Did you know there are a lot of steel memorial statues in Rostov, Russia??! well. there are!)

AMAZING Russian Orthodox churches. This is when my interest in religion iconic art was planted into my art brain...it just did not come out for awhile ;)

Trying to communicate with our cook...She's the one who, later in post, will knock on our door -late at night- and demand we follow her. WITH CASH (alot) on us.

But she was so mightily precious! We had to clean our plates at dinner or she was offended...more than once I hid food in my shirt/napkin, went to bathroom, and flushed it!

A girl can only eat so much 'mystery meat'....

This is the apartment we lived in while we were in Rostov, waiting for the court hearing (10 days). It is actually Jenna's (above) apartment.

The external view of this apartment is EXACTLY what you would picture as the perverbial "Russian Apartment Complex".

About 25 stories high, mabye 8-10 buildings in a group, all gray, no foliage, no elevator, decrepit stairs. FUN! ;)

Jenna -at this point in time- made her living off of hosting adoptive couples.

She went to live with her sister a few miles away (and of course she walked those miles back and forth each day...oh vey!) and would come back to help us with breakfast and then dinner.

IT IS OFFICIAL!!! THIS ANGEL IS OURS FOREVER!

We had just left from the court hearing...and we wanted our baby !!!!

We'd been in Rostov, Russia for 10 days and had seen Chase for all of 15 minutes. We were blocks away but not allowed to visit due to fear of sickness as per orphanage director.

It was like being hit in the head with a metal pan! We were SO CLOSE to our son .... but could not got back and see him.

However, when the court hearing was done, we got to bring him back to the apartment and have him ALL to OURSELVES ... FINALLY!

(In regards to getting Chase immediately after the court hearing, our interpreter said, "Oh no! You do not have to get baby now. You can have good night's sleep and we get him tomorrow." Thanks for being worried about our sleep patterns Alexi but, we said, we want to go get Chase asap!)

It was SUCH a relief to have him, legally, in our arms and to know that the "process" was over and that we could start enjoying this new season in our lives called "parenting"!

The first thing we did was strip the boy down! I was dying to see his piggies!!!

CUTE PIGGIES!!! swoon....

All the stress of the day gave our angel a bit of a fever.

Given that we were clueless...I think we came close to a medical emergency given how much Tylenol we gave him....but..well...he slept great!?

FREEZING OUR CUTUCKUS' OFF at RED SQUARE...

After that last night in Rostov...finally having Chase..

We were back in Moscow for a night then headed home...

The extend of poverty in Rostov & Moscow was difficult. This was my first international experience. I was shocked and saddened that so many suffered. It opened my eyes up to the bigger world and, once the eyes are opened about such a thing, they are not easily closed.

We'd been in Russia for 17 days. We'd experienced moments that changed who we were. We became parents in Russia. We became more aware in Russia. We saw such sadness yet experienced the making of friendships that last to this day.

I was (am) HEAD OVER HEELS in love with this angel.

He had my heart. God had given it to Chase to hold for awhile...It was a breath-takingly "easy" bonding process.

I had no idea, at the time, that this is not always the case...and is usually NOT the case in most adoptions.

Now...after having gone through 4 adoption processes....and getting 3 of them home...

I understand how bonding can be so easy, so difficult, so confusing, and so straightforward.

If you are an adoptive parent struggling with bonding, you are not alone. It is MORE common to struggle than to not.

For the adoption where love did not come immediately....I found time and research to help tremendously.

Jim & I were a bit slap happy at this point....Can you tell ;) We'd achieved our goal...Chase...now we were very ready to get home. We were close but still had a night or two in Moscow.

In the lobby of our hotel, there was a section reserved for the prostitutes to um...hhmmm...tempt?

Jim and I just felt sadness for the women ..... I wish we could have done more for them because, for all we knew at the time, one of them was Chase's birthmom.

Chase didn't seem to care whether he was in Rostov or Moscow...but he was REALLY beginning to like the constant food source we were to him.

He also LOVED his pacifier. I was SO thankful the orphanage let him keep it as he was, technically, not supposed to leave with anything...but I woulda fought over that pacifier! Even the few moments I'd seen him at the beginning, I could tell the yellow pacifier was a MUST!

AND.....Why use ONE pacifier when you can use two?

The yellow ribbon around his neck (um, yes, dangerous !?!! But I am glad he always was able to reach it when he needed some comfort in his bed in the orphanage...) he had the most fascinating self-soothing 'ritual' with it.

By the time he was done, the ribbon was all tucked up into the pacifier, then under his chin. It was sadly adorable.

(and, YES, I still have this pacifier..but not the yellow ribbon. ;)

Getting ready to hit the airport!

Chase did not smile much the first several days...pretty stoic and confused. But, we held him tight, wore him in the backpack to make him feel secure, slept with or close to him, etc.

He started loosening up about 2 days after we got home...

And..well...it is quite a comparison to see this serious child compared to our "Sunshine Boy" :)

WE ARE HOME...and YES...WE ACTUALLY DID ADOPT AN ANGEL LIKE WE SAID WE WERE GOING TOO!

I promise people did not believe we'd come home with a baby until we actually came home with a baby :)

Chase wasn't really a baby...he was 14 months old but was at more of a 9 month old level physically due to lack of attention in regards to learning to walk, etc.

He took his first steps about a week after we got home. I felt like we'd missed so much of his "firsts" and felt so happy to be able to be a part of that moment with him.

(Chase still has that huge brown bear....Aunt Ruth ... thank you! Who knew it would become such a symbol of all of "this" for him? )

You can see how he was a smidge unhealthy by looking at his skin.

He didn't have a strong diet at the orphanage .... he had rashes and eczema.

MAMMAW FLO (Jim's grandma but she loved me like her own....) ADORED Chase right from the beginning.

We had an AMAZING amount of support...

Even at the airport there were probably 40 people waiting to welcome us home and to meet Chase.

It was a powerful time for Jim & I. We felt God's hand all over us and the entire adoption journey. We were SO happy that we did what God had laid upon our hearts (little did we know what God had in store for the next 10 years! Love it!) but...DANG...WE WERE TIRED and REALLY ready to go home ;)

I ADORE the way Jim's two Aunts and Grandma are just gob-stopped over him in this picture. Their smiles are SO beautiful.

MY MAMAW (though she's always loved Jim as her own too...) was sort of in 'awe' of this angel.

I can see it in her eyes....

Chase had NO idea what eye glasses were (??), and he would put his hand in your mouth when you spoke.

We decided it was because English sounded so very different...so he stuck his hand in where that weird noise was coming from (over and over and over) until he grew used to it :) It was weird to try to have a conversation with someone while Chase's hand was going in and out of your mouth ;)

He did that for about a month...maybe less. He said his first English word "DUCK" 2 weeks after coming home.

Aunt Amy got a smile!! (This was the day after the airport...He was REALLY warming up to everyone....It was an amazing day of love, support, and telling all about the last 17 days of our lives!! A grand adventure....)

We'd been home for a few days now and smiles were SUPER easy to come by :) This was Chase's first visit to his Mamaw's house :)

Now all these antics are starting to look a lot more like the Chase that IS "Chase".

Funny.

Goofy.

Carefree.

Hungry.

Loving.

Hungry.

(giggle)

Yep...He is WALKING!!! Now that didn't take long...

Now....

I promised you a harrowing story in the title of this blog post...

HOWEVER...I think these pictures were plenty for now....I can't take anymore fond "walking down Red Square Lane" moments....My tissues ran out.

So....the truly odd and somewhat scary story of our nocturnal trek through a Russian city will be added to the pictures shortly !

Phew!

Andrea

(YES! I know I look young, weird, different in this pictures! I had not 'come in my own' in regards to my love of art, my passion for creativity, nor my passion for wearing clothes that were not 2 sizes to big for me ;)

"Why does all this even matter, Mom? It "all" seems useless."

2012-01-24T01:09:00.002-06:00

He comes into our bedroom crying.

He had just been the "star" of a parent-kid "meeting" about some behaviors that he needs to work on, improve, stop, etc.

The "meeting" was over....but apparently not for him.

For this precious, perfectionist child had some deeper questions. Questions stemming from "why" being "nice, kind, compassionate, self-controlled, joyful, etc" are so very important in every day life.

So....he came back into our room, a few minutes after the 'official' meeting had ended, crying and confused as noted above.

He starts rambling....

"Sometimes it just feels like every day is not for anything really." said the crying pre-teen.

"It all seems useless. I mean...Why even try to be better at things when we will just, eventually, all be in Heaven anyways." continued the confused kid.

"Why should I try to control my anger, or be kind to my brothers, It seems silly." he continued rambling.

Jim and I understand these questions...we have had them too. These thoughts and questions are parts of maturing and the answers are not always clear. We told all of this to the still-crying kiddo.

So, here .... at this stage in the conversation .... Jim and I have a strong foundation to pull from in regards to our answers, even if "it is confusing" is one of the answers.

Our foundation is the moral code we live our lives by. The overall goals we feel each person should be striving to achieve...regardless of age really...(well...I guess a baby is off the hook..but...;)

All of "this" (daily life) is absolutely NOT useless, we are telling our child.

There is a meaning and a purpose to every second that ticks by. The meaning of, what may seem a mundane life, is to reflect love, kindness, empathy, self-control, and peace to other people....making those other people wonder "what" is different about you.

To be 'other-oriented'.

THAT is what a "day" is for. To show Christ in your actions and words so as to plant a thought about this "light' that others will notice and want to know about.

Each day is to refine yourself into the person that can achieve the amazing and useful things God has planned for you and your path....even though falling on your face and taking wrong turns oftentimes happens.

But the path is, always, again laid before you to keep on walking...to keep on being useful for a greater good....

Our son received all of these words well. He felt comforted by them and had a better "view" of what a "day" is for....as they all add up, eventually, to something profound.

After our precious creation left the room (and this was only after reminding him that we are his biggest fans in the world, that questions are okay, confusion is okay, and that we will never, ever, no matter what stop loving him even if he feels the need to question all of "this" continually....) I had a sudden rush of "Oh thank God for God" thought.

If we did not lives our lives according to an established moral code, well .... days would be rather useless, wouldn't they?

One would get self-centered really durn quick. If there was not a need to be...say.. "kind" to make others notice your kindness, or to show joy in the midst of pain, or to demonstrate self-control within your actions....

Well, dang, one could do what one wanted since you would feel no internal guidance system.

There would be no parameters. No rights or wrongs (though the legal system may think there are wrongs...a person living without a moral code to lean on would disagree, wouldn't they?)

Now THAT mindset would make all of "this" [daily life] completely useless.

It would create an unquenchable need for more self-gratification.

It would create excess.

One would live in exclusion versus helping others.

There really would be NO POINT to "that" type of life.

All of the above is why, in my thoughts, it is necessary to be able to identity your moral code, let it guide your decision-making, your attitude, and your goals. The moral code must address all life's major issues, it must be non-changing, and it must work at the "micro" and the "macro" levels of daily life.

Without it...there'd really never be a reason to get out of bed or help a sick neighbor or create relationships that would make each person involved a better person.

A moral code.

A firm moral code.

One that is leaned upon in times of confusion (though it may not have all of your answers but it will certainly help guide you...even through some "fog").

A code that is lived out everyday....to the benefit of OTHERS.

I don't know how a parent, who is raising a child without a distinct moral code, would have answered my crying and curious son's questions.

We all need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

To look past our wants into the needs of others. We need to have parameters around us that help others see a reflection of true love in our actions that makes them ponder....and even want...what they see.

So, THAT, my precious, adored child is "why all this even matters".

It matters because others matter more than you and it is your job to let them know it.

To serve others. To love others. To help others. To think of others first....therein lies the purpose for a "day".

Our kiddo is going to "chew" on our conversation tonight...I expect he will have some more thoughts to discuss tomorrow...or the day after....or 3 weeks from now...or 5 years from now.

Thankfully, the biblical moral code we lean on will still be saying the same things regardless of when his questions arise again. It is non-changing. It answers at the "micro" and "macro" levels.

Jim & I won't have to dash off to "Google" an answer. We won't have to research his question for weeks before responding. We won't have to take a survey of what is "popular" at the time to answer his future questions about why "all this" matters.

We have the answers....as parents, we just have to make sure our kids feel comfortable asking the questions.

Parenting is like a little surprise, mental party most every day as it seems a new "deep" question arises out of "nowhere" a lot and surprises you.

I like this. I like curious brains.

I am not scared that my child will find truth anywhere else except via a biblical moral code. He may 'try' to use another one...but it will change, sway, swoon, and let him down.

There are absolute truths within our society...and they all point back to relying on and using a biblical moral code for one's daily actions.

Phew.

Parenting is like sitting in the dunk tank waiting for that next perfect pitch that hits the target, throwing you into ice cold water .... You have to always be ready for the next perfect "throw" because you truly never know when your kid will send you falling into a that cold tank...needing answers asap :)

Sitting in the Dunk Tank....waiting.....
Andrea

"Chase, you know you can call your birthmom anytime you want, right?"

2012-01-21T20:54:00.003-06:00

(In this video I discuss finding Chase's Russian birthparents, a bit about adoption parenting, and a beautiful verbal exchange that happened between my "Sunshine Boy" [Chase, age 15] and myself the other day involving his birthmomma.)

[okay...I promised pix in video but...they will be here soon. I really cannot wait to show you what our master bathroom looked like the weeks leading up to Christmas ;)]

I think you can tell I am a smidge tired tonight via the video. (lot of annoying anxiety last few days)

Soooo....I might just tackle the "fun Christmas moments captured forever" ...tomorrow :) K? thanks...I know you are just holding you breath for them (wink).

I hope something in this video resounded with somebody.

I hope it emboldens people who have not adopted to ask GOOD questions to adoptive parents (without their kiddos around initially) on how they parent after having adopted, or to just show an interest--acknowledging that it IS a different but amazing path versus being in "the pregnancy club".

[For the record: I am in BOTH of the 'exclusive-you-only-understand-it-if-you've-given-birth- pregnancy club' AND the 'exclusive-you-can't-understand-the-love-you-can-have-towards-an-adopted-child-till-you-have-actually-adopted club.'

As a result, let me clarify and shock some people...the CLUBS ARE THE SAME MOMMAS! sheesh.

Each path ends in a treasured child and each path has huge pitfalls and huge highs...We Mommas need to stop smacking on each other with these types of subtle 'club conversations'

If you listen...I even did copped the 'exclusive adoption mom' club junk when I was talking about how letting Chase's birthmom know he was well and loved and how that sort of gave me a feeling of permission from her...but I said "if you are an adoptive mom I think you could relate". I could have phrased that much less "exclusively", kwim?

I KNOW you Mommas know what I mean....'Oh my labor was drug-free. Oh you can't understand true love until you love someone else's child. Oh, I was in horrific labor of 258 days!
Oh, adoption means I'm a really amazing Mom.

WE gotta stop that junk. It's a waste of time. Sure ... ya gotta talk about your journey...I LOVE talking about how our family came together -obviously!- but there's no need to try to 'trump' the last gal who just spoke about her 5,983 reconstructive stitches she had to have after giving birth or that 'well our adoption cost $24,000...Yours cost $50,000? Are you sure it was legal. vomit]

Uh...Where was I? Oh. Yes. The video ;0)

oh my Andrea. You are a trip. (did I just talk to myself on my blog? I think I should mention that in my next therapy session.)

OKAY! BACK TO THE VIDEO!!!

Maybe the video reminded someone that just raising kids - in general! - is like running a marathon with blinders on ... cuz doesn't if truly feel that way sometimes?

And, as I said in the video, that we all are better if we TALK about things and love on each other...through the fun times, the sad times, the confusing times, and the special moments ...

Let me know if the video tugged at ya or something...I'd like to hear that it did a bit. Or that it mighta given ya food for thought for friends that have adopted, etc.

CUZ... Ya know how I asked you all if my "transparency-blogging" thing was good or overboard in my last post?

Well....

I've gotten plenty of good feedback that, at least for ME, transparency is the ONLY way to blog and I am staying committed to remain as such....

.......even if it scares people.

BOO!

Andrea

PS Okay...I'm back here after chewing on that video for a bit.

The person in that video is someone the "old" Andrea would NEVER have posted.

'Old' (pre-PTSD, pre-therapy) Andrea felt the need to always be "on", to be very witty or silly to compensate for you taking the time to watch me on a video...because the story I told, though beautiful to me, may -in my jacked-up brain- not have been "enough" to justify your time....

So I would have felt the need.... (and do right now though I'm fighting this irrational need/thought process by TALKING about it right here right now!) .....to add in some add'l silly kid quips, or I would have pushed through and posted some fun pictures even though I'm exhausted.

After mentally chewing on this video (in which I look tired, jumble my works, am obviously fighting PTSD/anxiety...you can see it in my eyes and the circles under them ;) I am SO PROUD of myself for keeping it on here.

And NOW I feel even better because I came back and 'told you' all what was eating away at me ...thoughts like "The video was not 'catchy' enough" [which is ridiculous because I talked about telephoning my adopted son's Russian birthmom for heck's sake!] or "You look SO pale and tired...Delete it and redo it tomorrow after you are home from church and look better" .....

Soooo....brain is still 'jacked' but TALKING helps SO much.

SOOOOO.....talk to me :) smile

What EXACTLY are the 'red flags' for future criminals?

2012-01-16T01:27:00.001-06:00

The above pictures are of my paternal Grandmomma (you can call her "Mammaw... I do ;) We hadn't seen her for awhile.

It was a massive shot in the arm to reconnect with her and for her to spend time with my sister and I's families.

Obviously, from the series of 4 pictures...SOMEONE (one of the Uncles I do believe) was doing something extremely hysterical...

.... I do believe the camera-woman's (uh-hem..me) life was in danger but I was to focused (ha..pun intended) on catching smiles....

These are now TREASURED moments in time that we will always have to smile about :)

Okay....

So.

Here's the deal.

Jim and I were de-hoarding our precious almost 5 year old daughter's bedroom.

Yes. She is a hoarder.

I have accepted that.

She keeps EVERYTHING...No Joke...EVERYTHING. Of course, we draw the lines at pieces of trash and used coffee cups but if we let her, she'd figure out a spot for them in her room.

After two trash bags of "toys" (read: junk) .... we were almost done but then....well...we stumbled upon something that kinda took our breathe away.

I discovered "it" and, at first, was scared to show Jim as I sorta wanted to just throw it in the trash bag and forget I ever saw "it".

Cuzz...seriously...stuff like "this".....well...it is SURELY an indicator of future, adult behaviors right?

I'm shivering now that I'm about to tell you what "it" is.

She seems so...so...'normal'. Friendly. Happy. WHO KNEW???

[big breath]

I ... discovered.....

a ... box...of... allthebarbiehairshehascutoffoverlasttwomonths!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. There. I said it.

Seriously...isn't this like a serial-criminal keeping 'tokens' of their crimes??? ISN'T IT????

Oh my word.

I just...I just...well...We knew she'd cut some of her "Barbies' hair" but...shudder...

I DID NOT KNOW SHE KEPT THE CLIPPINGS!!!!!!!!!!!

Does this MEAN something about my princessa?

(bbwwwhahahahahahaha)

Daddy says it is a sign that she thought she'd get big-time busted for cutting the hair and hid it like any normal, smart, sneaky, little girl would do (?) !!

[BTW, at the time - she did not get busted for cutting her dolls' hair. I considered it 'creative'. IF I had known she was keeping the hair bits as TOKENS of her misdeeds...I mighta acted differently!!!]

But, alas, I do not think she has come into this criminal-in-the-making habit independently. I am a smidge afraid that she's learned it from those around here...

Cuz...I mean...LOOK:

THESE are some of the male examples she's surrounded by! YES...They are shaking their "tail feathers" along with one of Aven's BABY DOLLS!

And then...well...There is .... [cough cough] my habits:

She has DEFINITELY learned her hoarding talents from .... sigh .... me.

I admit...I admit...I hoard SHOES!

I love them.

They are artwork.

Don't cha think??!!!

[Note my growing collection ...er hoarding...of cowgirl boots that I've now got displayed on the top of my herd of shoes. sigh. shoes. swoon. happy.]

So, I suppose Aven keeping tokens of her deviant behavior cannot be blamed "her" alone.

BTW, after Jim and I stopped sweating from the shock and laughter of this crazy/creepy discovery, we asked Aven WHY she was keeping the hair clippings.

HER answer, "Well, they are so colorful. Sometimes I like to look at them."

JIM says decoded that still means, "I thought I'd get in trouble so I hid them." I'm going to think my husband is a parenting GENIUS and go with HIS theory. Don't you think that's a good idea?

Me Too.

Oh, and the "tattoos" on the "Barbie" dolls of sorts (pictured above)...that's old news.

She "tattoos" EVERYTHING...like her WALLS. (She does get in trouble for that. I am not a complete pushover. I wonder if she has a stash of MARKERS somewhere???? ;)

And here I thought we were just cleaning her room...Instead, we stumbled upon covert material!

Now, I wonder.... Do I DARE de-hoard the BOYS' rooms? (though their rooms are no where NEAR the state of Aven's!!)

Just thought about it....

Nope. I do not dare.

Do you dare my friend? Nope...Jeanna don't dare either!!! smile

I luv "my Jeanna" and seeing her over the holidays was a huge highlight. You may remember that she was one of the girls in the horrible Chicago incident along with myself and 3 other close friends, and she is Momma to "Averie".... a member "Guat Girl Gang".

She, too, deals with life-changing affects from that horrid event....but she's a SO strong. My heart SWELLS and LEAPS every time I see her because I truly saw, with my own eyes, what 'could' have happened (and what we all thought had happened) to her on that day. Luv you Jeanna... )

Now hush! I heard you roll your collective eyes...BUT...Meet ONE of our new, living Christmas presents!!!!

This is MY new pup...Yes...Yes...I fell in love with one of "Dorothy's" litter....the other two have gone to their new homes but "Bishop Ivan" was gifted to me by my hubby on Christmas Eve.

The kids had fallen in love with the pup too and were shocked to silence when Jim gave him to me. If you are keeping count ..... "Bishop" makes 4 dogs...but 3 of them are itty-bitty so 3 of them only count as 1.5 in my opinion :)

Welp....

Do you think my "weird, odd, quirky discovery" means something about our little, spunky girl??!

Or is this "normal"???

Do I laugh or cry?!!!!!

Much Love My Friends....and PRAYER! ha

Andrea

My WORDS are STUCK. Danggit.

2012-01-08T21:07:00.002-06:00

I don't know what it is folks.

I have thoughts, moments, funnies, etc to share but my mind is stuck on the words (not in a post traumatic stress kinda way...)....just in in a "super glue stuck...can't get through my head and onto 'paper' stuck")

I could do another video...easy-peasy. But I LOVE writing. It helps me.

But I feel mentally stuck or in a rut .... See ... :)

Maybe I am still recovering from the holidays?! ha (though I am slightly serious when I say that.)

(bbbwwwhahahaha.....um. not me :)

I feel such enormous pressure sometimes. DO YOU???

I cannot pinpoint where it comes from (uh-oh...I think my words are unsticking...watch out...)

Pressure that I probably bring upon myself. Anybody else do this? Unreasonable pressure.

Unnecessary pressure. But...I can't shake it sometimes.

Some pressure I bring upon myself is my frustration with "C"hurch. OR maybe my frustration is spot-on? Who knows?!

[note when using the capital 'C' in 'church' it denotes the use of the idea 'church' as a general WHOLE, mostly U.S,A.-based denominations for me. It does not mean "my" church or a church. When I do not capitalize the word, it does mean a certain church.

This is not something I just 'made up'. This is a commonly used practice within the area of Christian apologetics - which is the study of why Christianity is true both scientifically & historically.]

(Wanna a few great starting places for apologetics? here are three suggestions. "How Now Shall We Live" changed my life. I am reading "The Faith" now. Lee Strobel's book is foundational for a true Christian apologetic education. BTW, Strobel has whole series for kids too. Proven helpful for my kids.)

I feel "snarky" (a weird mixture of sarcasm yet maybe some truth) ALOT in regards to "C"hurch....NOT Jesus, not my leaders (please no need to email my pastor and tell him I said this...He knows :), not my own personal walk with God ....

But -for example-

Driving home from church this morning....

I saw one of those (to me) scary "Welcome" signs in front of a church.

You know, the ones that churches who own these signs all seem to use the same 22 horrible phrases over and over again? Yes. That kind of sign.

Usually, these signs read something like:

The above signs were simply bad grammar or attempts at humor?!

However, the sign we saw this morning read:

"Oh Come All Ye Faithful....AND You."

Seriously. No Joke. Those words were on the sign.

I am not going to be a jerk, but I am going to cordially call this church's office tomorrow and simply let them know how that sign impacted ME.

I cannot speak for others but I can tell them how I felt when I saw it. And I believe in Christ!!!

What does someone who doesn't consider themselves "faithful" feel when they see such a phrase??

Do they feel welcomed or demeaned?

What do you think?

I feel pressure to 'stand up for unbelievers who are seeking Christ' I guess. It makes me frustrated to see things occur that might, possibly, push them away.

Things that the "C"hurch has 'done' to strip the 'easy' away from salvation, what It has done to the basic tenants of an easy belief system via public conflicts and fights amongst different denominations, etc. It frustrates me to no end.

I feel a RIGHTEOUS anger towards all of this. Not a "MEAN" anger.

New topic....

I also feel pressure to 'blog' lately.

I don't know where this pressure is coming from.

I LOVE blogging. But, well... I guess it's just the holidays, ptsd, having my mind sorta feel more confused about some things versus clear...and concerned that the confusion will not come across as I intend for it too...

But feeling "stuck & censored" is SO NOT ME. At least it is not the "Andrea" that is here and now .....

Alot of you commend me on being transparent, revealing, etc about our adoptions & raising adopted kiddos along with biological kiddos, my mental illness struggles .....PTSD, related life events, my "C"hurch confusion.....you do this through your comments on my blog, private emails, etc. Even hand-written letters!

But there are a set of people who definitely do NOT like my transparency . And they let me know it.

Happily, there is no one holding a gun to their head forcing them to read my blog...as I have gently reminded a few of them...

But maybe their comments have permeated me more than I realized.

I don't plan on changing...but...I guess I am building up my confidence again in regards to the goal of this blog which is debunking stereotypes I am thrown into by our lifestyle choices...

[homeschooling, entrepreneurship, having a large family and no plans on saying "no" if God wants us to have more...alot of these choices put my family into the "isolationist / legalistically religious / we have uneducated*unsocialized kids / or "we are better parents cuz we have more kids" corner and all of these are BEYOND NOT ACCURATE...]

And, sometimes I wonder if all the fun pictures of my kids mislead you all. (note the lack of fun kid pix in this post ... smile...er not smile...teehee)

But, then I remind myself that I WRITE openly and honestly about the struggle to raise special needs kids, to adopt, to have bio-kids with questions, to homeschool with excellence (super hard BTW), all the ups and downs of my PTSD.

Heck, there's a video on here of me here DURING an anxiety attack and I am certainly NOT looking my best nor dripping 'happy'....that's for sure.

(here's the video of me mid-anxiety attack..oh so pleasant..hmmm)

I believe alot of this has to do with some holiday sadness that I may still be trying to figure out emotionally...

....and also I have a good friend (cyber-friend but we all know that a cyber-friend IS a true friend) who was diagnosed with 2c Stage Ovarian cancer plus bladder cancer from, literally, out of the blue last week.

Her kids are close to the age I was was when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Not only is my heart mad at Evil for cancer entering my friend's life...but my heart truly hurts for the kids because "I was them" 18 years ago.

"Sheesh Andrea..18 yrs. Get over it!"

Well.... If you have lived a cancer diagnosis in a friend, parent, loved one, or even yourself...you'd never say that to someone.

I have a peace about the absence of my Dad now...that happened this past summer...finally.

But, the bad memories of the 2 year journey are not simply erased because I have a peace about my Dad not being "here".

When my friend was diagnosed, I truly relived every horrid 'cancer journey' moment with my Dad.

The "Oh it wasn't a mid-life crisis [chemical imbalance in brain], turns out it's lung cancer." [after a year long treatment for depression]..... and then...after some treatments... "Oh the cancer is gone'.

Then, few months later, "oh the cancer is back'.

Then coming home from college for a weekend to see my Dad sitting at the kitchen table with a shaved head and the chemo-'tatoos' all over his head...without warning.

Again..."the cancer is under control". And finally, "Well, it is now everywhere. Let's focus on quality versus quantity of life".

I am definitely not projecting that into my friend's path for her cancer was caught fairly early, whereas my Dad's was not.

But...I just KNOW the feelings the family is experiencing and it makes me tied up, knotted, sad, angry. Stuck.

Hm. Well...

My words were unstuck there for a moment....but I feel back to "stuck".

I am finding MUCH happiness in my sweet kiddos/husband (as the last post demonstrated!! very vividly!)...

....and have been sketching/drawing more the last several weeks...surely that is a good sign to finally "unsticking" my words for good and allowing my thoughts to flow more concisely here again very soon....like tomorrow!!! ;0)

See..there I go with the pressure again.

If I believed in re-incarnation, I am sure I would come back as a 'pressure-cooker' cuz I'm so dang good at putting myself into one...

What would you be re-incarnated as?

And if anyone says a 'sweet smelling rose' I'm going to cyber-slap ya...smile

I KNOW this is not a "Christan-ese" question but it is JUST a question. Nobody pass out or call for an exorcist.

It does not mean you suddenly think Shirley McLaine is onto something or anything....

Luvs, Hugs, Blessings....and 2012 I am still planning on kicking your butt! Got plenty of days left for that sucka....

Andrea

P.S. PLEASE continue to think of me, pray for me in regards to attending the "Created for Care" Adoption Momma Conference Jan 25-29th in Atlanta, Georgia.

It's a roll of dice if I will make even one session (dang ptsd sleep) but I just FEEL that I am supposed to go. I will have a good friend there will me so I won't be fighting alone :)

http://www.createdforcare.org

In review: Questions I asked you and would love you input on: (I write long post even when my words are stuck! You deserve a review of the questions for sure :)

1. Do you put unnecessary pressure upon yourself? If yes, do you know why? If no, pray tell how you do not.

2. Do you think the church sign saying "Oh Come All Ye Faithful...and You" is demeaning or would you look right past it and not think of it again? Discounting it as just a bad choice.

3. Am I to transparent here? Or does transparency simply scare people and I should continue as always. (that's my theory...could be very wrong though.)

4. FOR discussion and conversation...What would you be reincarnated as? Remember...do not say a 'sweet smelling rose'!! Maybe a tornado? A statue? A tiger? A matroyshka doll? :))

My Motley Crew Hijack My Blog Video. I have lost all control :)

2012-01-02T22:42:00.002-06:00

OH.

MY.

Wasn't supposed to go like that.

I wasn't supposed to be pre-occupied with my hair (that I'd just taken out of a pony tail thus my issues with it)

My people were not supposed to go tribal on me.

(and I said all our kids had made an appearance but that was a flat out lie made in a moment of confusion -that would stand up in court, right?-. We have TWO more little/big humans that did not appear....imagine that. Maybe one day I'll get us all 'impromptu'... though this video was not supposed to be full of the Collection besieging me :)

But...

Well...these people of mine got a hold on me :) All of 'em.

They are cute, and adorable, handsome, and funny, and they all make my heart sing and feel lighter.

This is "US" when we get going...So I ran with it and let the 'deeper' thoughts I had planned put on the perverbial 'back-burner' for now :)

[And, I have to say, that...as I am typing this...Tye now has bright blue & yellow headphones on, listening to the soundtrack from the movie 'RIO" and he seems to have entered a meditative state.

Do I interrupt?

Naw...He's probably trying to find his new self after I shaved his head. ;) ]

I have two (cyber-but-it-does-not-matter) friends who themselves or their child are having MAJOR surgeries either as we speak or tomorrow...

One is my friend's baby, Charlotte, who was born with Down's Syndrome and who will be having open-heart surgery tomorrow. I mentioned Charlotte here before and would covet your prayers for her and her family.

God knows the details of the other friend's needs and I have absolutely NO DOUBT that the surgeon's hands are being guided as we speak and that a mighty war is being played out inside the surgery room...a war we cannot see but that we can impact via prayer. I invite you to do so with me.

As much as our family can release and de-stress and giggle and enjoy the moment...

We also can come together and and pray for those we love...which we will do.

Well...

Christmas was, as I said, ALOT.

A.L.O.T.

I loved it while I was counting the hours for it to be "over". That is just my "normal" b/c the added pressure of a 'big event' makes me prone to PTSD symptoms.

(which did kick in, sorta dramatically, but given my openness about it all EVERYONE involved understood. So neat...though it was a disappointment to me, the recovering perfectionist...maybe if I could conquer THAT my PTSD would wane? I dunno. I don't think there's a secret path or formula God's waiting for me to figure out before PTSD is removed from my life...but I sure am learning alot along the path to it's disappearance.)

Soooooo......

As I said in the video...if you could even understand a WORD that was said (smile)...

Fun pics and more thoughts are coming...

but tonight...

We needed to "release" a bit, apparently!, and remember that we are family and that we find joy in each other in ways that I find hard to duplicate with any other set of people...

God mashed us all together from all over the world for a reason..what that I understand a tidbit of but have a feeling that I truly only 'get' the tip of the iceburg as of yet...

And to find JOY and FUNNY in this mish-mash of amazing people..regardless of age...is a beautiful thing to me...even if it does occur during a video that was not supposed to but ended up including flying barbie dolls, my 9 yr old asking for donations, my 4 year old hijacking my video, my husband comparing me to a plastic doll, and random dog appearances...

Happy 2012 my friends....

Let's CONQUER it.

Let's KICK it.

Let's take 2012 by surprise and showcase what "WE"...as a community of people drawn together via this little blog or by bigger circumstances...can do.

Watch out 2012...

As long as I survive January (smile...) I've got your number and it's my turn at bat.

Who else wants a turn??? Who's going to throw some homeruns in 20212 with me? Tell me about it!

Throw yourself in the game! It's more fun together....

ANDREA

Merry Christmas .... for unto us a sacred child was born today (well around this time..or more like a few months from now but that's just in the fine details at bottom of his birth cert) and society (along with my help) has given us a ...bucket full of chaos. (Gotta do my part for mankind and all)

2011-12-24T10:27:00.001-06:00

(Our Christmas Card :) If you click on it you can see the 'funny' up close ;)

( Again...clicking allows for more laughter)

Does anyone else sorta 'get' why those in the Jehovah Witness belief system do not celebrate 'events'? I am kinda REALLY gettin' to understand where they are coming from ;)

In all honesty...and seriousness...and love...

I do wish you and yours a beautiful weekend...no matter how it is spent.

If you are with family...may amazing memories be made...

If you are 'alone' this Christmas...please know you really are not because Christ is there to comfort you.

If you are sick or weakened this season..may some of this over-the-top celebration of Christ's birth bring you some fresh hope and energy.

I am pushing through this weekend (regardless of what my PTSD says...but.....if it lands me on my butt everyone around me understands which is a major relief)...

and WILL make some lasting memories with my precious brood of 5 and the man of my dreams (and also my fabulous in-laws and sister, brother-in-law, and my nephews..and of course...our 'Aunt' Laura...)

BUT...So help me when I see a commercial on December 26th about "Final Markdowns" or a "Super Sale" or such...

I will be throwing a fruitcake at the TV. (over it! even if I am one of the guilty ones encouraging these commercials via my retail habits :))

Merry Christmas...

You all are a gift to me EVERY day of the year..not just on a holiday weekend.

Blessings,

Andrea

Watch Andrea Vent ... It's mildly entertaining I suppose.

2011-12-21T20:01:00.001-06:00

Sure...I got cute Christmas cards sent.

The tree is up. The house looks fairly festive.

Plans are finalized for Christmas.

Treasures (even LIVE treasures) are bought for the Motley Collection that lives under this roof.

(I may have scored the best Christmas gift EVER for my husband...yay!...and, hun, if you are reading this the gift is NOT any type of sporting game tickets. Sorry. But I promise no sporting event will compare. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute I just heard you all say "Oh my heck she's pregnant"...NO....that is NOT Jim's lovely gift...as all the guys think "shew" and all us girls think "durn" :)

But...through all of the planning for this sacred season...not to mention just being a decent Wife/Momma/Friend...

Peeps with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder realize that PTSD could care less what day it is on the calendar.

PTSD sufferes also have days, even in the midst of a sacred time of celebration, that look like this: [this is where the "TRUE MOMENTS of FAMILY" blog title starts living up to it's name ... ;]

Sooooo...that's me - TODAY.

Tomorrow? I plan to kick it's butt! However, again, it's hour to hour sometimes.

I am REALLY into NOT misleading people...cuz I used too. A lot.

Misleading, not in the sense of lying to people, but more like "hiding" behind a really pretty life facade that I had fabricated to keep some of my deep hurts 'at bay'.

However, videos like this, I think, help you all counter-balance the sweet, gooey, fuzzy pictures I post and babble on and on about ;)

There is more to a person than what can be summed up in pictures; however, it is VERY easy to mislead others on blogs, Facebook, etc by only showing 'the pretty".

I ain't into that.

I have continued blogging for almost 4 years now to: 1. Keep myself accountable about debunking my idea that I need to be perfect. 2. To encourage others to 'be real'...even if it's scary and you look like a zombie in videos you post on your blog :)

Being real..on video even.. w/o (much ;) makeup on, showing ya'll my tears and talking about the OTHER side of 'sweet, gooey, and fuzzy' is REALLY good for me.

And, to add to this good...helps you feel like you are not alone if you are on a journey of sorts yourself.

I have learned, via this blog mostly, that being the REAL ANDREA is truly okay. I can admit to failure, guilt, anger, frustration. And, gasp, other people understand and do not think less of me. Who knew?!

I do not like looking perfect anymore! What a stinkin' RELIEF!

I would certainly love to hear what types of journeys you all are on....

What are YOU fighting?

Not even a 'sickness' per se ... but maybe you are battling to believe in your confidence, maybe you are forcing yourself out of your 'old comfy spot' into a new endeavor that is really hard for you ......

Maybe you, too, are battling the modern-take on education and going against the stream somehow?

Regardless, I would love to hear about it.

See that light orange sentence underneath the end of my post that says "PLEASE leave me a comment. I luv hearing from you!" ? Just click that and start typing (In the white box at top right) about YOUR journey, YOUR fight, the stereotype YOU are debunking..and you can even submit your thoughts anonymously simply by clicking the circle "anonymous" under the box after you have finished your comment/rant/wisdom/journey :)

Let's be in this together, okay?

Much Love...

Andrea

(yes...going back to sleep now...stupid brain)

LET's EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS CARDS :)

2011-12-16T14:18:00.003-06:00

Hey friends....It's Christmas Card time....

Last year I asked to exchange Christmas cards with those readers that wanted too...

It was alot of fun!

If you replied last year...Your card is on it's way as I will now haunt you forever with my card (smile)!

If you want to participate...please email me your snail mail address and I will send you a card :) If you want to send me one I'd love to receive it!

I think exchanging Christmas cards is a beautiful tradition that helps us feel more 'connected' in this easy-to-disconnect world we live within...

My email address is: andrea cockrum at yahoo dot com (remove spaces :)

Happy Christmas Card Week !!

Andrea

Happy Birthday Tye....(finally)

2011-12-15T03:11:00.004-06:00

I have, mentally, struggled with Tye's birthday 'letter' this year.

As we know, I am not afraid of honesty nor am I afraid of what my kids will think when they peruse my blog as adults. As long as they do not just read 'one' post but, rather, most of the blog...I believe my intense passion for each of of them becomes evident.

However...there are posts...even posts that should be bubbly & happy like a 'birthday post' but just cannot be if honesty is considered.

All this is leading up too...well...it is not easy having a special needs kiddo.

Tye's extra-ordinary needs do not 'turn off' on his birthday, or when life's busy, or when I am down with Post Traumatic Stress.

Tye's 9th birthday...honestly....it has scared me more than anything else. He is NINE. He has yet to conquer some sorta basic things like fluent reading, logic skills, speech/articulation issues, anger issues, manipulation issues.

I do not say this to promote sympathy...but to be honest.

Are there other special needs Mommas out there who can hear my heart beat and find that it resonates?

(Tye's huge birthday celebration in Chicago, along with friends and all the other little kid Cockrum birthdays a few weekends ago...awesome memories. Tye's favorite part was raiding the "Lego Store" for his presents :)

I could, easily, write of the successes Tye has accomplished this last year. I could write for hours about his perseverance, his empathy, his ability to push on even though he is confused sometimes.

However....I could also write just as long and just as much about the difficulties that continue to hold him back.

His brain is not healthy...whether it is his birthday or not. He cannot think in the same manner as others. He does not see his delays...for him they are his 'normal'...so why all the effort he seems to say alot.

Tye is perfectly fine saying words half way (no opening and/or closing sounds...as if he's speaking using vowels mostly). He does not see the problem in manipulating a group to get what HE wants (the front row seat, to be the volunteer in Sunday School by crying when he doesn't get called on, etc)

When?

This year?

Is THIS the year he makes some more exponential increases?

We hope so. We desperately hope so.

This coming year will be a year of surgeries for Tye....(mostly on his upper mouth/teeth)....will this exaggerate his special needs? Will he be so mad at us for allowing this pain that he is even less interested in doing what we want?

I want Tye to be truly happy.

(Some scenes from his 'family' bday party...the boy IS LOVED!)

(Try finding a birthday 'cake' that a kiddo on no gluten, dairy, or egg can have...These are 'donuts' of a sort...that are VERY hard..and Jm was shoving the candles into for 'the birthday song'. Tye loves these 'donuts' though. sigh. and good.

I think, at times, he is.

I think he definitely feels our unconditional love for him. He is affectionate and loving when the mood hits him...but that is not always the case and to tell you it was would be wrong.

There are turbulent times with Tye. He is strong-willed and believes he is always right...He thinks he is the boss of our family...truly!

To convince him to succumb to parental authority, to teach him the dangers of his manipulation, to train him to go towards what he is interested in and not just what everyone else is doing...

Well.

It is quite a job.

I, nor Jim, would trade it for anything else in the world...but I've never said it's easy and I still cannot say that.

I do pray the next 365 days of this precious child's life provides him some relief in regards to his cognitive struggles...that he finds healing and wholeness within our family....that he makes amazing strides in his speech this year.

These are my hopes...my dreams....

However, if Tye acts just as he does now....even a year from now when he turns 10....he will never have a safer place to plateau, or to take it slow, or to go at his own speed (even though we want to push him from behind!) than he will have within our family.

Tye, no DNA shared with any of us...is family. Family is not defined by genetics...at least it should not be.

He is our son who...had a very happy birthday....but who still struggled that day to understand exactly what was going on, who cannot spell well, who gives Jim and I 'pause' everyday to check ourselves that we are doing our best by him.

My sweet Tye....

These delays do NOT define you. But I need you to fight love. I need you to hate your delays as much as your Daddy and I do so that we can get further faster.

You are a gift from God Tye...You make those around you stop and think. You have made me an exceptionally better Christ-follower as I MUST trust is HIS plan for you for I cannot see one.

Let's really battle this out in the next year of your life my precious gift. Let's leave these delays "behind us with black eyes", ok? ok.

God has gotten you this far, my luv, I do not think He will stop your progress or forget about you...nope...I think it is the opposite.

I think God dotes on you and provides you with an extra measure of protection as He has a special place in His heart for you.....as do your Daddy and I.

We can do this Tye....We can battle this out....

And OH what a day it will be when your successes start coming fast and furious. When your improvements become suddenly evident.

When you no longer have to repeat yourself several times for others to understand you...

When you can follow a movie plot...

When you can go into Sunday School and not manipulate and when you lose the 'need' to hoard your siblings' favorite toys b/c you want to be in control...

ALL of this you WILL be free from my precious, hand-chosen son that steals my heart with your lop-sided smile...

We WILL fight for you Tye.....you just stand behind us, in a sense, as we take on this world for you and protect you from wrong turns, bad habits, and surprise attacks.

We got your back son....with all of our hearts...we've got your back.

Happy Birthday my Sweet boy.....

All of our love,

Mom & Dad....

......and your brothers and sister cus they also have your back in a HUGE way sweet pea! You will always have them...as much as God gave you to us...He gave you to them too. We are a puzzle-piece family who all desperately need each other.....

Anybody Jewish? I have a true curiousity about your faith. Please talk to me here :)

2011-12-10T23:51:00.001-06:00

[This is not going to be a 'pretty post' with pictures and all but a more "inquiring of others" type....I'll save all the cute kids pictures, Tye's birthday letter, and picks of various deceased small rodents for later.]

Truly, in ALL seriousness...

If you are reading this and you practice the Jewish faith....Orthodox or not, or you used too... please help me!

I am trying to figure some things out.

But I want REAL people answering me...not a website, not wickipedia.com, or youtube.com.

There is SO much information about Judaism to be had online that I find myself questioning what is reliable and what is not.

My first question is.... What part of your faith determines that Jesus Christ is not the Savior mentioned in the Old Testament of the Christian Bible and/or within your Torah?

My second question is.....How do you atone for your sins in this modern age?

I have never heard of the Jewish community conducting animal sacrifices as was practiced in the Old Testament. Do you find forgiveness through your observances, and/or holy days now?

Finally.....Is there a different holy book/text/scroll rather than the Christian Bible you have in your faith that explains this belief (that the true Savior has not come yet)? If so, what is it called?

I am NOT looking to debate, or question (in the bad sense), or hound someone who might answer here. I am trying to learn.

My husband and I have a deep respect for the Jewish faith, culture, it's endurance, and it's importance within the Old & New Testaments.

In fact, we feel a sprouting connection within ourselves with the Jewish community. Not that we are changing faiths, but that your belief system is MUCH more integral to our Christ-following belief-system than we realize.

I know that sounds mutually-exclusive but I do not think it is. Thus the questions.

The most reliable resource I can think of is someone within the Jewish faith!

I am looking to LEARN from you.

PLEASE comment if you have firsthand knowledge in regards to the answers of my questions.

Or, if you know someone who does have this knowledge....please ask them to answer here or get the answer and put it here. :)

I am SURE a local Jewish Priest would thank you for helping me with this rather than me walking into his place of worship asking (what is probably) very simplistic questions.

I know I would be welcomed..but...you get my point!

Blessings,
Andrea

(feeling slightly more awake and better today. My PRECIOUS and AMAZING husband created a day for me in which I would experience NO 'hyper-vigilance' moments.

(extreme panic, surprise, over-reaction, startling responses that do not coordinate with what the event was...like me jumping and squealing off the couch when a loud noise happens in the kitchen or me jumping back while taking a huge gasp of breath when someone comes up behind me without me knowing it.)

Hyper-vigilance EXHAUSTS me (and once it starts it is hard to 'stop it' for the rest of the day) ...but today...NOT ONE MOMENT of it. Sweet Relief. How did he do it? Made me stay in bed all day and did not let any kids in the room...ALL DAY LONG! He seriously deserves an award or a day off :)

Okay now...back to my questions above...don't get side-tracked with my cute husband story!

This picture sums me up this week.

2011-12-09T22:03:00.001-06:00

This blasted week.

BLAST THIS WEEK!

I have been so anxious and excited to write Tye's "birthday post" (he turned the big "9" Monday:)

....but....

Well...see the picture....I'm asleep...or am about to go to sleep, or just woke up and can't focus, or am thinking of sleep.

Next week WILL be better for this girl ...

RIGHT?!!

Tell me I am right or...well...um...I will promise to have a very bad dreams about you??! ;)

ZZZZZzzzzzzz....

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder....it is time to EXIT STAGE LEFT please. NOW. asap.

Problem is...I have had some very major 'triggers' this week...thus the excess sleep.

My brain likes to ignore the real world when it's 'triggered'.

Isn't it nice of my brain to just to 'shut down' and forget that it's in charge of a real human who has real kids and a real husband that she'd like to see once in a while?!

Bad Brain. Bad.

Please don't forget about me and my little blog. It's not my blog's fault. Poor whittle blog...getting ignored cuz of mean ol' PTSD.

(I know...I posted last week..and it was sorta an epic post...but..I miss you people :)

Well....my sweet little blog .... and my precious readers... 'I VILL BE BAUCK'....like Monday. Or tomorrow. Or Sunday. Only my brain knows.

ANDREA

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.....

(maybe this would help?)

(an on-the-go-pillow and a high-fashion "snuggie". But I think my brain would still know I was walking and semi-useful. danggit!)

Life in a Day.....or two. You all are fun, interesting, thoughtful, amazing ...

2011-12-02T20:15:00.001-06:00

THANK YOU FOR PLAYING ALONG!!!

I find this all INCREDIBLY interesting....

We are all SO varied...but..then again...we are not...Because...Well...

I'll finish that sentence at the end of the post o'pictures :)

ENJOY the lives of people you do not know... but who you are connected with via this blog or who knows how else!

Moments from yesterday and today... (okay..one or two pics are not EXACTLY from yesterday/today but.....

following the rules is for wimps.)

A reader's daughter had her FIFTH birthday today...and I think the Momma deserves some sort of creativity award for that cake...and an anti-dentist badge of honor ;)

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

Another of our readers is going through a major house remodel.

She wanted special note taken of the drywall dust on the books & the sheet of plastic behind her daughter's back.

Also, the reader said her kids were very confused by her snapping pics of them 'mid-action'...teehee :)

Readers (oh heck..they are my nephews ;) building sand castles yesterday.....and.......

...in "The Magic Kingdom" today!!! They are on a well-deserved vacation....

I am THRILLED they are LOVING this time away from their rather intense daily schedules...

A reader enjoyed a delicious coffee and Christmas light tonight!

A reader...
New. Life. LOVE.

A homeschooling reader gives us her day...above...she said this is the view she has of her son most school hours.

LOVE THIS! Nice?!! dang!

Little Girl "Recess"

Piano Lessons and Piano Practice... LOVE it!

Having a "read aloud" playdate/sleepover :)

It's a homeschool thang I think? Yes? No?! I'm so warped by it all I have no sense of what is normal and what is not anymore...

Oh wait. It doesn't really matter :) Rock it Readin' Playdaters!

And...my reader ends her day...grading.

Cuz, as all teachers know, the work doesn't stop when the student goes away ;)

Teachers spew LOVE.

Two readers who I want to be like when I grow up...or..when they grow up? smile

LOVE this series of pictures...

Complete Comfort.

Two readers doing "the facebook pucker".

LOVE a good pucker :)!

Yes..they read my blog! and YES they are marvelous young woman in high school.

Their reading of my blog makes me nervous ...what if they will never want children...??!! bbwwhaha

OR that they will adopt 110 kiddos each :)

If ya'll do...I'll be the Auntie for all of them! Promise! ;)

An amazing woman who happens to read my blog...her and her daughter.

Jen and her hubby adopted Avianna from Guatemala. Avi and our Aven are close in age.

About a year after Avianna had been home, she was involved in a catastrophic traffic event.

(herself and her grandparents were hit by a car as they crossed a street. Grandparents were physically injured ... but not in the same way as was Avianna).

Avi and her family are now battling an INTENSE fight with .. well... severe brain damage.

I don't even like to type it.

But what is Jen busy doing right now?

Putting Christmas Care baskets together for patients/parents in Pediatric Intensive Care Units.

Seriously. She is!

Soliciting donations, etc. Her and her Mom are squeezing this in...between 8-9 hour days of in-home therapy for Avianna..and we are not talking "easy" therapy.

INTENSE, HARD, EXHAUSTING therapy that you have to read her blog to even believe.

Jenn is my Christmas Hero. I love her.

So we have a few very creative readers... apparently:

So..."How much is that blog in the window? The one with crazz-yy writeeerr?" laff

My Papaw used to sing me the real version of that song (about the puppy ya know....so...maybe I can blame him for my animal issues? hm.)

I LOVED it when he sang. He had a beautiful voice...even recorded albums and traveled singing here and there.

A reader...about to take a nap today :)

LOVE NAPS. sigh. LOVE them.

These veggies were bought in Costa Rica TODAY....cost our reader about $22.

This reader and her family recently MOVED to Costa Rica.

They are rockin' and rolling their new lifestyle and I adore their "checked that off the bucket list" mentality :)

A reader confused if her tights match....I think they do!!! A reader that LOVES fashion...and a good deal so I hear.

This is a reader's bathroom today.

Awe...Cry....Poor reader.

I'm really sorry..... like...seriously sorry ;)

A reader's son 'schooling' on his Momma's Ipad while the gift wrap waits for gifts.

(We homeschool Momma's excel at using technology to pacify...er...educate our children...JOKE!)

This reader's family has 12 children :)

Some adopted, some not... all LOVED with fierceness.

We have an award-winning quilter in our midst people :)))

The perfect quilt...wrapped around you on a cold night? LOVE.

A LOVE note from my husband that I woke up too...and he did NOT know about this blog "game" when he put the note there!

Can we say perfect timing :)

A reader saw a reindeer while wearing red plaid. It's December ... it makes sense!

If it was July? I'd be totally confused!

My 9 yrs olds learning some art skillz today in their "DayDreamers Art Class"....

Who doesn't LOVE some good art time?!!! Today they learned about "Chagall"....

A reader's sons proving that men CAN cook :)
But only if they wear their Momma's apron...

A reader's family that has recently moved to Mexico ! Yep. MOVED. As in ... left the US and MOVED to Mexico.

If I have my memory in-tact...they are somewhere near or not to very far away from Mexico City... They LOVE their new lifestyle.

A reader documenting how hard it is to homeschool with a toddler around...I know her pain :)

But...Could this little girl be any more adorable? She's been home from Ethiopia for over a year now...

THEY BROUGHT "LOVE" HOME.....

So...I'll end that sentence now....

We are all SO varied...but..then again...we are not...Because...Well...

BECAUSE OF LOVE.

Not being cheesy, not being simply full of holiday-cheer...

We are ALL connected...it is very true.

You have ALL made my days with your pictures...

THANK YOU for SHOWING YOURSELVES to us!

LUVS, from....

ANDREA...and all of us that read this blog today :)

AND....

No worries readers-who-did-not-participate-or-were-late-or-forgot...

I ALWAYS accept late assignments with barely any penalty at all (just ask my 'students')

So...keep sending me pix if you want...

I challenge you to a game...of sorts...KEEP READING...this 'group project' will be so interesting!

2011-12-01T03:14:00.001-06:00

So....

I was watching this FASCINATING documentary in which Youtube.com collaborated with some bigger names to 'document' the day of JULY 24, 2010.

This culminated in people, from around the world!, submitting over 8,000 videos! If you have time to - watch it!

(You may need to click the small triangle at left-bottom of YouTube video box to get documentary to play)

After watching this documentary I felt VERY excited ....

It's so enlightening to see what other cultures "look" like...in a real way. Or even same culture, just different habits/practices within them.

You see the cluttered apartments, the confused adults, different religions implemented, births, weddings, etc...having ALL occurred on July 24, 2010.

This, of course, has my brain thinking about all of YOU!

Let's take this "Life in a Day" and morph it into "This is One Thing I Did Today" .....How?

By you sending me your daily-grind kinda pictures...with the stipulation that the event, moment, reflection occureed December 1st and/or December 2nd.

Won't it be FASCINATING to get a 'glimpse' into everyone here?

Personally..I LOVED seeing all the messy houses, overflowing kitchens, etc in this documentary so DO NOT FEEL like the picture has to be "amazing".

A picture of what you ate for lunch.

A picture of your child asleep.

A picture of your over-whelmed work desk.

A picture of your pet.

A picture of your Christmas tree.

A picture of an outfit you rocked.

A picture of your favorite anything - piece of jewelry, shoes, kids :)

ANYTHING!!

Anything that you can snap a picture of, then sharing it with this blog, resulting into"letting us into your life" a smidge.....

You can send the picture to my email address.

andreacockrum@yahoodotcom (written weird for security....)

OR

Send them to me via Facebook. I am "Andrea Lowe Cockrum" in that crazy world.

I will put all of the pictures on the blog THIS FRIDAY!!!

Come on friends...Play Along!

This could prove to be SO insightful and helpful...as in "Oh..good...her house is not immaculate 100% of the time either." OR "Cool. I'm not the only one serving lame lunches to my kids!)"

Tis the season for deepening relationships!

Andrea

Update: THURSDAY NOON: I have some photos trickling in!!!

PS: if we are friends on Facebook and you just want me to pic a picture from an album on yours...let me know :) I'll raid your albums (But promise to pick good picture !!)

A Valley of Sorts...Highlighted by some Shining Rays of Sun...It'll just be pictures today folks...WARNING: more disected eggs. durrnit!

2011-11-26T23:22:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to share some pictures from the last week.

.... Awe dang...I said it'll "just be pictures" in the title but did you really believe that?!

That idea lasted all of 23 seconds :)

So.

Adoption rox and all but it also hurts.

[by the way...I have now finished composing this post...and just doing it made my heart feel better and my brain more relaxed...THANK you for being a part of my blog...okay...back to reading and there are like..1,000 pictures ;]

It has hurt alot this week as I have had a crying Tye in my room.... saying"I miss my China Mommy"... asking"Is she okay?"

The first rule in adoption education: Do.Not.Lie.

BUT...How can I tell Tye, who is cognitively delayed and struggles with abstract ideas, that I do not know for sure his "ChinaMommy" is okay. He would turn into a human puddle I think.

So. I lie.

What would you do?! What SHOULD I do?

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I reassure him, again, that she is happy, she loves him, she misses him. He has alligator tears at this point.

Part of me thinks..."Is this child doing this to manipulate me?" because Tye is the GRAND MANIPULATOR folks...it is quite brilliant actually. And impressive. And annoying.

But....I sense that he is not and has true concern over her well-being at this moment.

Suddenly, he says, "We go to China in 2 years when I am 11 ?" uh? huh? what? You know Math now and you just did it in your head...?! Maybe I shouldn't being lying to him? egads it is HARD to know the answers...

Seriously, sometimes I feel like I only know a fraction of this kiddo.

I assure him that we will go back to China (we've always planned too). Though, I do not promise "when he's 11"... but then he said, "But no Aven cuz she screamed too much". Gotta love some honesty.

It hurts to see Tye's heart confused. It gives me mild cardiac arrests when he asks these penetrating questions because I do NOT KNOW what his brain will hold, confuse, jumble, or understand.

It hurts.

Today hurts too.

It is "Story Noelle's" birthday.

She is the Guatemalan daughter that we never got to bring home.

Is a very long story....And I really cannot write it all out because I've, truly, just stopped crying in the last few hours and if I write it all out...I am afraid my eyeballs will pop out from swelling.

Today hurts.

What God calls us too...it can hurt.

We are a family called to adopt. It has not been an easy path. It's been alot harder than it has been easy. We are not the exception...that is really just how adoption is these days.

Why you wonder?

Cuz who hates happy, loving families bringing a parent-less child into their home forever to love on and show them how to be a giving, loving, useful person within their community? Evil.

So...I understand the source of the 'hurt'. I understand where it comes from. But. It doesn't take it away.

I'll go ahead with those pictures now...cuz I feel some more waterworks starting and I really don't wanna blubber anymore today.

I'm not really the blubbering-sort. I'm more of the "yes, I realize I am a bit of a hot mess but this is why" kinda girl. But not today.

Today I am blubbering over hurt. sigh. Life can be SO AMAZINGLY wonderful and SO INCREDIBLY difficult. Do you find that to be true also?

Okay...onto the pictures...

First....a bit of a family photo shoot the other week :)

All the things Zane loves.... animals & "Legos"

Tye is SO SO SO proud of his new 'purple' belt in Tae Kwon Do...and so are we!

Aven...I feel art in her future :) smile/giggle/laff

Trey...doing what he loves....

Chase, being 15, and tolerating my picture-obsession :)

Documenting that "Opposites Attract"

And now for some "Cockrum Animal Updates!"

We have THREE new puppies (good job Dorothy :) but, alas, two shattered "LoveBird" eggs...though there are still 3 eggs in their next.

And, YES, we dissected the eggs because Zane and I were to curious not too... If you have some sort of strong tie to itty-bitty non-developed birds...you should skip this part...

Puppies first....

About 3 hours old....

The pups, all boys, are a week old now...Aven adores them :)

THE EGGS....you've had warning....

Zane loved every second of this 'science project'. Maybe I have scarred him for life? hm.

This is one of the most developed of the two eggs..it is on a band-aid to give you a size perspective. Are you laughing or thinking I'm a serious loon? Personally, I find it intriguing and mildly hysterical.

The circle of life people...it's okay to giggle.

Poor guy..he was almost there. The other egg..well...the word "soupy" comes to mind... shudder.

And NOW some pics that JIM took...when I was NOT around...kids - you are NOT ALLOWED to jump on the COUCH! Jim, seriously? Did you think I would not see these?!

But gosh they are funny doing it :)

Trey got this hat last weekend...and I'm pretty sure it has not come off his head. Should I check for lice? I think he used shampoo on it though last time he showered?!!! ;)

And NOW...some fun pictures of our "Chicago Little Kid Birthday Bonanza" that we planned with some of our closest friends. Yes, I despise Chicago but this is the third time I've been back so...I figured I'd be okay.

Wrong.

HOWEVER...I got one AMAZING day with the everybody...(other than that...I hid in my room b/c...oh so ironic...our hotel was next to the Emergency Room of the hospital that my close friend, Jeanna (the most injured of all of us), was taken too.

The bellboy told Jim there is a siren once every 7 minutes.

I get shaky and anxious when I hear ONE siren AT HOME...needless to say...I had earphones on listening to music or books while the rest of them did their thing after our amazing day Friday :) Yes, I have an amazing husband and super-supportive friends.

[I was going to try to attend the parade but I got a funny text from Jessica...who was on the patch of grass...waiting for the Chicago Christmas Parade to start: "You are not coming to this. It would kill you." bbwwhahahaha She gets it. ]

The little girls got to pick out there birthday presents at "The American Girl" store (I know Aven's birthday isn't until January...but...ALL the other 'little' kids in our families are around this time so Aven just lucked out :) and the littler boys got to raid the "Lego" store :)

Yes, this is how we roll..and, yes, I think Aven's picking her nose.

The "KBMV" takes on Chicago....

Let the "American Girl" Par-Tay begin Aven screams :)

Luv these girls...and the doll :) It is SO obvious in these pictures that Jessica's Tess and my Aven are the 'only' girls in each family. I think Jessica and I 'might' have had more fun...or it was at least a tie between the 'big girls' and 'the little girls' :)

Thank you God...for this amazing little soul who heals my heart EVERYDAY and brings SUCH joy to us. THANK you for bringing her to us... for allowing us the priviledge of HER.

YES...we are "THOSE" Moms :)

And we haven't a CLUE where our girls get their fashion obsession from..nope..not a clue.. ;)

The "Lego Store" is SO "male". A square room...boxes lining the walls...u go in, pick what you want, and leave. Where's the experience? the giggling? the lunch? the doll 'salon'? the ambiance??!!!

However, the 'males' of the bunch did not see a problem with this square store and had fun picking out their treasures. They'd been waiting for this trip since summer :)

My BIRTHDAY BOYS!!!! They are almost 9 yrs old ... how????

And now for the parade pictures in which I will NOT appear...and some more randomness...like all of us packed into an elevator :)

...in the elevator..we scared people :)....

I swear they are normal kids. I promise :)

AND...last but not least...

a beautiful sight Jim and I woke up to the other day... a little bit of sunshine laying in our room...

ahhhhh.....

blogging helps me in so many ways.

Going through these pictures...It's not that I do not KNOW I am blessed with the loves of my life....and YES...there is HURT in our lives...almost daily at this point from some source or another....

But...I think the amazing outweighs the yuk. Because God brings good of the bad for those that love Him...and I love Him and thank Him for all of "THIS"....even the 'hurt' because it makes me a better person.

Much love my treasured readers.... Ya know...there's a comment button just below the end of this post if ya ever wanna say "HI ANDREA :)" .... wink wink wink .....

I LOVE comments. Makes me feel more connected to ya'll.

Luvs,

Andrea

ha..."It'll just be pictures today folks"...I'm not changing the title cuz I think it's funny that I even 'thought' I could just post pictures and not write about them or something!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is kickin' my butt folks.

2011-11-23T20:20:00.001-06:00

It was an amazing weekend a few days ago...

But one day -amazing, so fun, great memories with one of my besties, her daughter, myself, & Aven day- has sorta landed me on my back for the last three days or so. Not 'physical' pain...but mental exhaustion, fatigue, fogginess, etc. to the point of not being able to accomplish much of anything.

I'm functioning, at about 50%.....I want to 'talk' to you all here .... be funny, share a story, tell you of some of the questions rolling around in my head...you know...just like always.

But..(okay...crying)....I can't. My brain is too tired.

The last several days, getting dressed and talking to my kids has been a victory.

Needless to say...I would appreciate your prayers. But, then again, I feel like people in REAL need.. the terminally ill, poverty-stricken, people living in war zones, the hundreds of thousands of orphans...THEY need prayer.

I need to just be stronger. I wish it were that easy. But I do feel odd for asking for prayer when there are SO many others in SUCH worse (beyond describable worse) situations than mine.

But..this is my life and it's is NOT all it could be because of PTSD. So...I guess...I'm back to asking of prayer?

I am TRULY sick (ha, pun?) of all of "this"....the fatigue, the lack of focus, the insomnia, the headaches, the hyper-vigilance (try having an anxiety attack in the car - like one where you scream several times quite loud cuz you are SURE the train you see out the left window is coming straight at you [but it's so not]- when all 5 of your kids see and hear you while your husband tries to calm you down...not fun..over it), the "oh this is going to be a good day" then CRASH - I'm suddenly so tired and foggy I have to lay down and close my eyes- for HOURS.

I missed the majority of Trey's family birthday party (last Wednesday night..I mentioned in the pictures in last post that I was not feeling well...not much has changed except I had a great day Friday) due to all this stupidness.

Growl.

I want to throw something heavy and breakable ... would that make me feel better?! I've never tried it....

I have some oh-so-fun pictures to share of last weekend...ya know the ONE day of THREE our family and our close friends were in Chicago to celebrate little kid birthdays...but I took enough pix in one day to capture the weekend I think :)

It did not help that our hotel, in Chicago (where the idiotic incident with the semi-truck happened) was right next to the hospital one of my best friends was taken for treatment after the stupid truck hurt us...sirens 24/7 outside our window. gag.

My therapist and Alternative M.D. are starting to look into other "things" that may be at play inside my head...cuz..really..after ALL the therapy, medications, minerals, vitamins, etc...I should be feeling better than this...

I should be having more good days than bad. Some weeks I do but it's definitely not a consistent thing.

Deep, acute trauma (like I experienced) can cause additional disorders, other that PTSD .... and we may have the PTSD 'under control' but it doesn't FEEL like it because, maybe, there's more to treat other than PTSD.

sigh. and this ends, when?

I am SURE of one thing...always have been:

God has my back. NONE of this makes me want to run away from Him...but TO HIM.

He did not want an errant semi-truck to cause catastrophic damage to many lives on April 25, 2008 just as He did not want airplanes to crash into the Twin Towers, a field in Pennsylvania, or the Pentagon on Sept, 11, 2011

(NOT comparing my struggles with those who still deal with aftermath of 9-11-11.... just talking about how there's Evil in the world and we must live within an environment where good and evil are constantly fighting)

Nope. God is sad on my sad days too....

He wants to love, provide, heal, protect, and reassure...but, again, we all function in a world full of Evil that has a force and a power that wrecks havoc everyday in so many ways.

However....I am going to go to bed and think of how far I've come in last two..three...years, the highs, the successes, the victories...

And I'm going to meditate on the fact that we are not in this fight alone.

I am VERY Thankful for so many things that I could never even come CLOSE to writing them all down...

But right NOW...and the last few days...well...they've been disgusting.

Andrea

PS I've discovered a new song that really rings true with me and this ongoing fight my family is fighting against PTSD...maybe some of these words will be a balm to your heart like they have been to me recently:

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

Credits :
songwriters: assad, audrey; larue, phillip
© deeper still music publishing;my maxx songs;river oaks music company;songs of razor and tie